You know how it is. You hear a word or a phrase that you just don’t understand, so you race to your dictionary, search fruitlessly for 30 minutes, then toss it aside and pretend to everyone that you knew what it meant anyway. Online encyclopaedias are all very well, but they don’t half go on a bit, don’t they?
Well, now there’s the perfect solution. The Inconsequential brings you Dikipaedia – the world’s first online repository for obscure and, in some cases, non-existent nuggets of the English language. Nearly everything you didn’t know about things you didn’t want to know about…er…yes, that’s right…is revealed and explained in one easy-to-access page! Never again be embarrassed by your ignorance at parties; banish that lack of self-confidence caused by your inability to grasp the simplest forms of street jive; say goodbye to…oh, you get the idea!!
Now, read on and be enlightened…
THIS WORDY REPOSITORY WILL GROW EXPONENTIALLY WITH THE SENSE OF HUMOUR OF THE UNPOPULAR MASSES.
a) (casual grammar): A symbolic equivalent of collaboration.
b) (vulg.) The sign that you’re sitting next to a hair-splitter.
c) An artisan formerly known to test one’s patience with irritating pedantic interjections.
A sore point with philosophical compulsives.
a) Someone showing ambivalence towards current events.
b) Indicating at least two bodies’ incompatability when covered by an electric blanket.
A political entity that embodies an unquestioning leap of faith in the goodness of the soul of privatisation.
A KICK IN THE MONADS
A term describing the futile act of trying to hurt followers of G.W. Leibniz.
a) A rather disparaging term for someone out of touch with the US zeitgeist.
b) An obscure formula used to calculate the intelligence of the US Vice-President
Modern term for act of gambling on which letter comes next.
The repeated activity of leaf-taking.
a) Housing a grudge based on a misunderstanding.
b) A subtext.
A SIGH OF THE TIMES
a) A frequent, usually involuntary, utterance of exasperation made by a large number of modern employees.
b) (pers. rel.) Heard emanating from many a confused would-be lover.
Somewhat unrealistic hope that sees a point in everything and that the sky’s the limit.
Philosophy of plucky optimism in those whose exam results are derisory and wholly inadequate for the twenty-first century shrinking labour pool.
A wild west extravaganza on the radio.
A conservative taste in cars.
The state of subsidising ruling social and political elites by the working-classes. (see Prosperity, its political synonym)
a) Used as a day of mourning by employers and capitalists. It is slowly becoming obsolete.
b) Vacationing inside a financial institution.
c) (US) A day on which Satan is worshipped by the feckless proletariat.
Profound nausea akin to sea-sickness brought on by watching Pamela Anderson’s breasts joggle up and down
(West Indies) Bacon.
a) The merciful silence after a bout of over-activity from campanologists.
b) The tip of a clapper.
(Derog.) Person with a behind the size of Big Ben.
a) (Med.) Similar or related to a ‘ringing’ in the head. Not like tinnitus.
b) (Joc.) Of or pertaining to a bell.
Involuntary movements caused by ringing in the head. (see ‘Belly’)
A commodification of existence.
Comically oversized summer pants wherein scientific sight of one’s vitals can be lost.
a) Acting the goat.
b) A mild concussion brought on by eating too much rubbish.
A wintry warlock
BLOWING YOUR OWN TRUMPET
a) Behaving like a right King Cnut.
b) (vulg.) Pleasing oneself.
c) (socio-political) Self-promotion by someone unable to afford servants.
A now obsolete term for work avoidance. First coined when a bloke called Rob Thestate used to get out of accepting a job offer by repeated fainting and then claiming loss of memory. He was finally thwarted when they offered to give his Giro to charity because ‘no-one called Bob had turned up to sign on’.
(v. vulg.) Pathological disorder of over-ambitious Casanova.
a) A derogatory term uttered by those wishing to deflect from their own ignorance.
b) (Slang) A term of abuse in parts of the north-west of England.
a) (coll.) Term used to describe either of the two Houses of Parliament.
b) Name given to any place or building frequented by a contestant on a reality TV show.
Undue pressure put on someone to relinquish their ingots.
Baking that can induce tears.
Possessing pointless dexterity with headgear.
a) A cheap conjuring trick designed to make public monies disappear faster than a white rabbit.
b) A jolly good ideology, indeed.
c) An economic system that concentrates its interests in its major city.
Whimsical tendency to criticise the films of Frank Capra.
Father’s brother that takes a great interest in your food intake.
a) Growing doubt over the efficacy of the NHS.
b) Describing the diminishing returns in the labour pool in advanced global capitalism.
Pertaining to visceral pleasure in all things motoring.
A desperately unhealthy obsession with motoring.
Severe indigestion that feels like you are ready to furball.
a) A place where the bases for April Fools Day is enacted in the US and Canada.
b) ‘A Kick in the Caucuses’ is a countrywide euphemistic term for corruption in US elections.
(political party slang) a tool used by members of the unemployed, able-bodied working-class to tend to windows of opportunity whilst claiming benefits.
Anyone pursued at speed by another living entity.
CIRCLE OF FRIENDS
A social group of four well-rounded people.
a) Something a teacher (particularly urban) encounters every school day.
b) (Slang.) A euphemism for two or more schoolkids fighting in Maths and English classes.
a) An ultra-modern term describing the doom-laden, catastrophic result of a hung parliament.
b) (semantics) The received pronunciation of a tool to avoid any issue.
Members of any modernising political party.
The disingenuous practice of a government asking 100 people in Surrey to ascertain the opinions the countrywide populace.
a) A legally binding paper usually in favour of the employer.
b) (der.) a modern combination of the terms ‘con’ to deceive, and ‘tract’ meaning a literary, religious or political outpouring.
US movement intent on suppressing full expression of democracy.
The likeness to a very poor joke that fails as a maize.
Medical condition of people working in retail without the aid of a chair.
a) Someone angry with a ruling in tiddlywinks.
b) A bored gamer.
c) Someone angrily disappointed by the number of visitors registered on a website.
Particularly unsightly result of failed cosmetic surgery above the eyes.
The paradoxical copying of a person’s thought to ensure conformityand atomisation simultaneously.
Embarrassing Punch & Judy type gainsaying, most often found in places with red, and green seats.
a) A well-loved hat suddenly rejected because of unwanted attention.
b) A letter explaining a sudden break up between friends, acquaintances and/or lovers.
Site of extreme poverty.
a) Tax levied on mooring submarines; usually measured by the fathom.
b) A small charge made on thespians and philosophers in their canteens.
Keen follower of fashions in beards.
a) (Inf.) Repelling of a person called Richard.
b) (Military) Urging a person called Richard to an upright position.
c) Exclamation when a person called Richard excels.
a) A socially compromising medical condition.
b) An incontinent neck-tie.
c) A codename for a supergrass called Richard.
(coll.) A very difficult period of time when things don’t go to plan, usually observed online in public.
Extinct Australian bird that died out due to its predators hearing its constant buzzing.
The disease of rebellion. Usually contracted in drip-down political systems of profound inequality.
A frightening place to take a brooding female back to for romance.
(Obs.) Blaming the football for the lack of skills and entertainment.
Virtual reason for actions and behaviours.
The practice of seeing human need as a self-serving economic opportunity.
A term to describe industries in Wales.
a) Monies paid to the ruling elite but paid by the proletariat.
b) (obsc.)A person who used to think in French
A person that has recovered successfully from a period of pretentiousness.
The ‘activity’ of talking to a wall.
a) Post-modern computer generated art.
b) Opportunistic blowhards that stink.
(political) An obsolete educational term.
The overly polite term for criticising the proletariat.
A green soft cheese.
Those politicians and corporate movers and shakers who, without holding an interview or advertising the post, employ members of their family on their (or taxpayers’) payroll.
a) Member of the underclass (often agrarian) giving directional help.
b) A rural grass.
c) A member of the rural working-class espousing a philosophical premiss.
Something coughed up by a cat in New York.
An object on which a person can ride over their sea of troubles and worries.
Describing not many people or things that are of use.
An Italian Idealist philosopher. Not to be confused with the Italian football defender whose philosophy was based on the ideal of making a moving body inert through the intervention of any part of his own person.
Complimentary term for someone who has competently and morally successfully made provision in the event of his death.
A churlish dwelling.
The art of having predicted who turned up for dinner.
Going the extra mile to meet an Industrial Capitalist and/or Entrepreneur halfway.
An alternate Cornish spelling of the term that described just how little state unemployment benefit once bought. Also used as a term of insult for those in Devon not looking for work.
HARD WATER AREA
(Geog.) A region 66° 33′ 44″ north or south of the equator.
A philosophical creed practised throughout the football season by Emile Heskey and Peter Crouch.
A soft malleable wood normally found in small towns in the United States.
A modern expression of jubilation using only thumb and index-finger.
Patriarch-like. Usually the axis of a nuclear family unit, persisting until the feminist revolution. (see Spokesperson).
Philosophy of ex- Work-at-Home advocates who actually fired themselves from their jobs. (see Fiscal Relativism as antonym)
Irritable Banking Syndrome
Deception perpetrated by an elf.
Lack of superhero powers.
a) Inca buzzer (in predictive text).
b) The art of staying still without any desire for money.
c) Poorly paid productivity hiatus. (see JobSeeker’s Allowance.)
Permanent psychological scarring, the result of being duped by a wide-boy.
A lie or lies introduced into a community to prevent the growth and spread of the truth.
Musicologist’s tendency to study the first bars of songs so as to improve their chances of winning pub quizzes.
a) Pedagogic instruction on entering a place, thing or person.
b) Advice on physical geographical relocation.
c) (Slang.) Term for “Don’t be out, be in.” A street term for non-conformity.
The feeling a person gets when they’ve lost their green-coloured gelatin dessert.
JOB SEEKER’S ALLOWANCE
Small publicly funded retainer for those searching for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow coalition.
a) (Med.) Relating to the eye(s) of a Scottish person
b) Characterized by joking and good humour, especially in Scotland.
A military nut.
Contraceptive used by big heads of state.
A well-informed refusal. Works best aurally.
Fractured metatarsal of any Italian footballer. Condition usually the result of an encounter with Signore Gentile.
(political) Modern term for a politician who, from his views, could belong to either of the two main parties.
A cup of pretentious coffee that has gone cold.
Temporary site of getting lucky.
a) (math. & pol.) Remaindeer. “Rudolph had a red nose, therefore he was on the Left.” A mantra of the neo-conservatives. This is why Santa was blacklisted in the ‘fifties.
b) Someone that has the temerity to oppose the status quo and suggest that advanced global capitalism may not be the best system of human socio-political organisation.
c) Someone standing on the grave of liberalism.
d) (obs.) A term to describe the side of your body opposite to your right; now called ‘other side’.
e) (US pol. & slang) Person that does not deserve to live on God’s Good Green Earth.
Persons born under the sign of the lion who are conceited enough to be consistently late for any appointment and/or rendezvous.
Amusement brought on by floating in mid-air.
Being locked in a lavatory.
Seduction list or chat up narratives
A jocular westernised name for a Japanese alcoholic beverage.
Full intention to inveigle oneself into the good books of another person or to attain success in a company by obsequious means.
a) An uncontrollable desire to read a classic.
b) Sexual desire in marsupials.
c) Another term for a pyromaniac.
a) A slang term for Daytime TV.
b) (political) The removing of Clause Four from a now defunct political party.
Regular toilet visits.
Of or related to the tendency to lie around.
Unpaid period of passive dissent.
A rest break taken by postal workers.
a) An exclamation of surprise clearly expressed.
b) (political) A contract with a devil you don’t know. (see Pisstake)
A collective expression of disgust or doubt. Usually results in relief of tension.
An unsightly rash signalling the onset of a communicable disease caused by over exposure to many elements in the periodic table.
a) A very fine vase indeed.
b) (obs.) Acting like a member of a despotic ancient Chinese ruling dynasty.
a) (Mod.) The ultimate best.
b) Economic oppression of indigenous populace by occupying power. Like a breath of fresh dictatorship.
a) An issue raised in ignorance.
b) (pol. obs.) A child born of woman outside of wedlock.
Usually a criminal and/or immoral act committed by a member of a ruling elite.
A euphemism for political and economic strengthening of ruling elites by their cronies in government.
a) Devotee of the famous painting by Leonardo.
b) (Pol. phil.) Someone given remit as customer to complain profusely but who is ultimately impotent politically.
The propensity to compose poetic lamentations of lost loves.
a) A place of work owned by a company with headquarters in Spain.
b) A film studio where they produce slapstick and pratfall comedies.
Generally same gifts given repeatedly; usually socks.
ONAN THE BARBARIAN
An uncouth mythic figure reputed to be able to please himself merely by the act of voting.
a) To arrange in a particular order, usually in the Far East.
b) (from sports reporting, now obs.) A scoreline rarely, if ever, heard at the Matchroom Stadium (formerly Brisbane Road).
Looking for one’s trousers.
Someone too stupid to find their trousers.
a) Exhaustion of an actor with no lines.
b) Performer gesturing that he/she has lost their undergarments.
c) Cookware item used to earn silent quiz points.
A political vessel whose imminent sinking can be discerned by the fleeing of the powerful and the sacrificing of the steerage.
An ant on the move.
The ant that waits.
Allowed by an employer to change one’s hairstyle to a 70s look.
Rate on remuneration for poem or song.
Afraid of domesticated animals.
Normally upright employee driven to drink like a fish by economic pressures.
Finger food for cannibals.
a) (US) A strong aversion to conciliatory and peace keeping gestures.
b) (med.) A personal dislike of being here rather than there.
c) A pathological loathing of commemorative discs erected on famous buildings.
Life after the demise of a state subsidised mail delivery service.
Anxiety of a teletubby
The state of supreme confidence before anxiety strikes.
a) A mistake made by highly paid professionals.
b) Area in a church for the great unwashed.
c) Circular paths taken repeatedly by an athlete.
a) Anger brought on by provocative logical inconsistency in church.
b) Quintessential goading technique.
£3.14159265 .The amount of public purse left after Sir Cumference has claimed his share in a Euclidean political system.
A secret meeting of a circle of friendly alcoholics on the slippery slope.
PLATES OF METRE
a) A cockney term for discussing poetic feet.
b) (obs.) Continental crockery
(political): Something you clean your worktops and wooden tables with for an unforgettable shine. Taken on surface value.
a) (vulg.) Service offered by a low-class prostitute.
b) Nepotism amongst members of the plum family.
Small but not disappointing member of the plum family.
The act of looking for the small but not disappointing member of the plum family.
Strain felt by the first minister of a Kingdom.
The sound collective laughter makes when it dies.
a) Group of working-class singers.
b) Unrealistic self-pitying voiced by members of ruling elites.
Studious analysis of ballet competence.
Of or related to marijuana.
Talking like a hashpipe.
A person or thing that turns up early or on time.
The first of your close acquaintances.
“~ makes perfick.” A phrase coined in a well-loved ITV comedy drama.
(political): Something you wipe your behind with (see White Paper).
A woman or man selling sex in a histrionic fashion.
a) A missionary rhythm.
b) Describing professional movements. (see Slow Motion.)
a) Philosophical obstacle to be cleared.
b) (US) Scandal surrounding the annual school dance.
The state of subsidising ruling social and political elites by the working-classes with an electronic gadget in hand. (see Austerity, its political synonym)
Male adept at word-play
a) (political phil.) The prevailing socio-economic and political condition conceived of to subjugate hope.
b) (obs.) A mutually accepted condition describing only immediate and certainly not immutable current existential conditions.
c) Usually expressed as ‘that’s the way it is’.
The restrictive yet repeated use of a much processed milk.
A disturbing cultish sect worshipping a milk product they were weaned on. (see Tits)
Someone not in time for numerous counselling sessions.
What’s the point?
ROGET’D (pronounced ‘rogered’)
What you’ve been when you’ve looked for something that’s even harder to find than an entry in that famous Thesaurus.
Social mobility based on irrational, historical anachronism.
A privileged water heater.
Olde English term for Eau de Toilette for the privileged.
A dining area.
a) (naut.) Bug usually contracted by sailors.
b) (lit.) Lady Samantha’s jolly shenanigans.
Outrageous photocopy of casual shoe.
An unwanted ability to keep cretinism hidden from others.
a) Anyone working in retailing outlets that expect to be employed into the near future.
b) A cocky DIY person.
c) (obs.) A term used by a Marine Geologist to describe their knowledge of the areas around the Australian coasts.
d) (pers.) Someone happy with their own company.
a) A human moved to another task.
b) (philos.) Sand.
c) (obs.) An employee in a pantechnicon.
a) Footballers faking contact for the edification of the TV viewers and the duping of the referee.
b) (coll.) Going down in installments.
a) Where you can catch good sleep.
b) A metaphor for training aid for would-be lovers.
SLPPERY SLOPE LOGIC
Political debate for those piste on expensive champagne.
a) Dilettante movements.
b) (obs.) House swapping in Berkshire.
(Psych.) State of equilibrium.
a) Deposed patriarch whose power was turned over in history of female liberation.
b) An unpaid attendant at a bicycle parking lot. Mostly seen in Europe and Asia.
A gambling impulse to speculate on whether something is margarine or butter.
A hellish bird that brings you unwanted attentions.
A friendly term describing the current leader of the once-called Liberal Democrats.
A working-class connoisseur of beverages, particularly Real Ales.
A medical nutcase.
TABLING A MOTION
a) Defecating on a particular piece of furniture, usually in boardrooms.
b) (pol.) The act of beginning to talk crap at a meeting or press conference.
Ambivalent emotional state after a very narrow escape on the road.
A very narrow escape on the road.
a) A rent in the heart.
b) (Romantic) To take leave of a loved one. Used first by Shakey in It’s My Parting And I’ll Cry If I Want To.
Decimated sensibilities, usually as a result of emotional thrashings in love.
A political ailment that results in the decimation of the number of professors in a higher education establishment.
a) The part of a church where the sinners congregate.
b) The place in a supermarket where shoplifters operate.
a) Urge to become highly strung.
b) (Psych.) Tendency to reject the decimal system.
In a state of indeterminate possession of something measured in decimals. Often used in Job Centre Plus establishments.
THE CHASTITY BELT
A body of asteroids that protect a region of the universe even the Christian Scientists don’t know, biblically.
An instrument for measuring meaning in ecclesiastical theory.
The fare levied for a ghost train ride.
Tender weeping from a great height.
A very confused and usually tense Elizabethan.
(political): Legislation that will not adversely affect the ruling elite and their cronies in business.
a) A state beyond maternal and paternal guidance.
b) (political):Lies that are easily seen through. usually Transparency
The degree of effort made in any activity.
A triumvirate of Shakespearean lovers yearning for privacy.
An Elizabethan exclamation of surprise.
(Aero.) Beverage on Trans World Airlines.
(Obsc.) Note of exasperation heard on a Scottish golf links when striking a ball out of bounds for the second time.
Any idiot obsessed with communicating every little piece of solipsistic trivia.
The emptiness one feels after hoovering.
(Cornish derivation) a) A ship of fools.
b) Describing a member of any populace cowed and defeated.
a) Reference to value being added.
b) The highest room in a house being used for beer making.
A meat-free spread of food laid out for the delectation of persons with an aversion to abattoirs.
Compulsion to urge someone else to do something.
a) Making a pigment of oneself.
b) An unpalatable envy.
A number of clergymen in the same moral quandary.
a) Spiteful and sometimes nefarious female.
b)(Fre.) Alternative to femme-fatale.
(usually US) Couch-potato. One that gets vicarious exercise by watching sport on TV.
(political) Pulped fiction. Used for political bulls**t.
Singular dross. Usually promulgated by nihilists.
The act of inducing someone to whine through interview.
The process of conflation of syntax.
a) Procrastination brought on by lack of sleep.
b) A blemish seen on women.