News Real 4 – Issue 32


If you thought 2017 was bad…

2018 will trump it and be really UNbelievable!

And at the localised level called national, you’ll have economic expediency as cute as the Dickens!

There’ll be lashings of Victoria sponge and you will be proud to earn every crumb.


In a bold move to encourage aspiration in the lower working-class, the government is introducing a voucher system. Instead of receiving all of their delayed Universal Credit, there will be a voucher for the hire purchase of a piano of their choice.

“To give them more choice,” a spokesperson said, “we are including value vouchers for Spinet, Console, Studio and Upright pianos. We are confident this will be music to the ears of those who eschew bald material needs like housing, food, heat and light, for the higher pleasures of life like classical music.”

Jacobus Recens-Cattus MP said “Huzzah and nocte occupare eam capimus!”* to a reporter who was attempting to avoid the fellow by hiding in a transparent waste bin just outside the House of Commons.

*Possible translation: “Seize the night before we seize it all.”

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