Miscellany – Issue 32

MODERN ADVICE

Exclusive excepts from the best-selling SELF HELP: The definitive Tome.

Chapter thirteen: Clutching At Your Own Straws.

The chapter provides in-depth analysis and advice on how to choose that liberating long straw and avoid the damming short one.

First, it is imperative you get to know the hand of the person holding your immediate future in their mitts. Study closely their hand so you can get to know it like the back of your own. Take particular note of how their thumb holds stuff and shows signs of tell-tale pressure.

Second, pore over the make-up of the straw itself; this little piece of nature will define your fate, so don’t be complacent about its significance. Take care to observe evidence of strain and any irregular colouring both before and after clutching takes place. You need to read how the straw reacts to being held.

Combine all these aspects of the choice and it should be a piece of resistance so you will never again have to do something you do not want to do.

Chapter one-hundred and seventy-three: Regaining Your Aplomb.

Firstly, make sure you have washed your main digit – any hand will do but it should be the one on the hand you least favour in everyday life – before inserting it into the nearest plum pie. If your hand is steady and aim precise, you should come up with a piece of mind you can use to continue on your merry way in the world.

Chapter ninety-nine: Talking In Your Sleepwalking.

If you have recently been condescended to then talking to yourself should be the answer. It doesn’t necessarily matter who condescended to you – all such attitude is reprehensible and there should be a law against it – but it does matter what you say to yourself in response.

When you talk to yourself, even if you talk down to yourself, is simultaneously talking up, so do not feel shame of a misplaced sense of hubris. After all, talking to yourself promotes stoicism and an even-handed demeanour that will serve you well, even at parties you haven’t been invited to or voted onto.

Chapter seven-hundred and one: Washing Your Own Bib.

Erudite advice on keeping that essential piece of social equipment clean and presentable at all times.

There’s special coaching for those afraid of spoiling the logo or text printed on their bib or fading their life’s narrative in the washing process.

One fundamental pearl of wisdom is: Never rub your bib in public. Although we are a tolerant, liberal and non-prudish society, such behaviour can cause offence.

Chapter sixty-nine: Walk Tall.

Walk taller in any company with ankle and sock stretching exercises.

Just trap your feet under something heavy – though not too heavy you cannot get out from under when you need to – and reach upwards with all your might. Repeat this until you encounter a slight dizziness. You need to do this at least every day, though if you black out, you should desist when you awake.

To ensure you don’t outgrow your socks, you need to subject them to similar stretching exercises.

Fill them with stones – ideally paperweights as they are less likely to cause distortion and disfigurement – and hang them from anything that will safely hold the weight. Leaving them overnight is ideal as it means you will not hurt your feet wearing them with stones in. It will also aid undisturbed sleep and invigorate you towards your goal of walking tall.

Chapter seven-hundred and eighty-one: Fighting Lethargy.

Mind-Reading for beginners. Next time you feel a bit lazy, just try to look into the mind of someone you know. If you find you are good at it, then progress to the minds of complete strangers. Above all, don’t reveal your secret to anyone.

Other titles in this series include: Wealth-Help, or How to Make Profit Without Working For It. Does what it says on the frontispiece.

Stealth-Help. A wealth of top tips to becoming benignly cunning and understated in making entrances and exits in social situations.

Shelf-Help. A briefly masterful guide to making somewhere to put all your self-help books.

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