News Real 3 – Issue 31

REALLY

A man has been talking of his experience of accidentally making contact with an avatar belonging to a parallel reality, or so he claims. Although too early to say, it does appear that the particular reality is very similar to our own.

Gerry Mandering was biting down on his fruited breakfast cereal bar when one of the raisins was so hard that the impact of breaking it caused a significant tremor.

“I felt like my teeth were dancing round a maypole,” the lucky fellow said between gritted teeth and the outpatients.

When the pain had subsided, Gerry confided in a bunch of notional reporters and his neighbour, that during the tremulous event, he had heard a voice.

“It sounded a bit like me but the diction and enunciation were significantly different. I decided to bite down, against doctor’s orders, on another petrified raisin and, lo and behold, the voice’s volume increased. I listened intently and the voice asked me why I ate carcinogens for breakfast,” the chap said to the astounded audience.

Apparently, on further occasions, the voice was able to apprise Mr Mandering of an alternative subjective, “yet very fair” view of the reality it inhabited. Coincidentally, a Mr Higgs-Bosun is a car mechanic in the other reality but is a dilettante in particle physics.

However, in this other reality, Quantum Physics is illegal and punishment for practising it can be severe. One woman was condemned to community service as a politician. Politicians are unpaid, except only base expenses, distributed on a strictly means-tested basis by the Ministry for Truth and Social Justice.

Also, Mr Mandering’s avatar told him that the current president of the US in the alternative universe was a billionaire whose main claim to fame was that he isn’t self-conscious about wearing a breakfast cereal biscuit on his head in public debates.

THEY’VE GOT OUR NUMBER

A spokesthing for the Ministry of Manufacturing Consent has revealed that figures, especially percentages have gone up more under this Tory government than at any time since the first abacus acquired its pink millions ball.

When pressed for details, the political thing, after reporting the questioner to authorities on his mobile phone, accused the media lady of being negative. When the questioner again asked for clarification, she was accused of being a communist. The third request for context and value to be given, she was shouted down by chants of ‘benefits scrounger’.

We asked someone nearby who was much less rabid and blowing on a whistle to comment and they said, “The other day this ministry got a memo saying that during this parliament, more people were suffering from cancer. The minister’s aid immediately said, ‘We can use this to crow about how many more people are being treated for cancer under this government.’ At this, the aid spun round in delight and the minister just laughed and continued with his consultations with a Philadelphian lawyer concerning his expense claims.”

GROWING UP

Apparently, the Ministry for Children will announce that children’s growth under this government is higher than ever before.

Asked to put a figure on it, the minister uttered, “1,760 yards.” The offal figures list the growth at an average of 5.2cm per head of children from the age of five to the end of their adolescence. There is some concern over the future of school desks that might need to be raised so that the taller children can get their legs under the desk. Some innovative, cost saving experts have suggested the children should stand at their computers rather than sit at a desk, so avoiding the problem of the growth issue.

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