FOI Pat O’Connell – Hail To The Cheese – Web Exclusive

Hail to the Cheese

A story by FOI Pat O’Connell

‘Mr Allen, what makes you think that you can replace Mr Trump as President in 2020? You will be 85 then’, asked moderator Megyn Kelly

‘Ms Kelly, may I congratulate on being so in control tonight after what President Trump just said’ answered Woody, not quite on the subject, ‘Remember, The Donald (may I call you that, sir) will be close to 80 if he wins again’.  At that prospect, the audience groaned loudly and Donald took that as a compliment.

‘But you have no experience’, said Ms Kelly.

‘Au Contraire’ said Woody, ‘Sorry, Donald that is French, I know you banned French because you could get a fresh croissant at your local Le Pain Quotidien, but that was overstretch sir if I may say so. Mind you bombing Switzerland because you couldn’t get Toblerone on the weekend was a bit over the top, n’cest pas?’

‘Speak English you freak, you mutant, you Golem, You …’ Donald spluttered on, to the delight of his supporters’.

‘Ms Kelly, I am qualified, in fact I am better qualified than my opponent’, said Woody, ‘I have worked in the media all my life and have had several marriages and many affairs, which appears to be necessary these days.  And I know much more about foreign affairs than my opponent, did you see Vicky Cristina Barcelona?’

‘I have met many international statesmen, in Zelig I met Mussolini and Hitler.  And of course, I have worked with The Queen, Helen Mirren is just wonderful.’

‘And I am from New York, not Manhattan (although that was one of my many triumphs) but from Brooklyn, like our Democrat opponent in this election, Mr Sanders, who may I add will be over 80 next year.’ 

‘But you have no political experience, Mr Allen’ injected the other moderator Wolf Blitzer.

‘Since when did that rule anyone out’ said Woody, grinning and nodding his head to his opponent, who exploded at the laughter from the audience.

‘How would you different to the incumbent then, if you were elected?’ asked Megyn.

‘Well I though the Great Big Wall was a mistake’ said Woody, ‘Especially since it was based on a pre-1836 map (from an old Encyclopaedia Britannica) which meant that Texas was on the other side. And Texans had to not only pay for the Wall but also thousands had to climb over it when the Rangers got to the World Series (or as it is now called, Trump Baseball Best Ever Series)’.

‘Of my opponent, I would repeat what I have already said many times “I’d call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse”’.

At this the President became apoplectic but, as in his first speech to the UN, the doctors ran on and pumped him full of Triazolam (or as it now officially called Trump Snooze).  The President smiled quite sweetly as he lapsed into deep slumber.

‘It looks like the President will be some time.  Would you like to outline your platform for the American people?’ prompted Wolf Blitzer.

Woody looked at the prompter. ‘My Fellow Americans’, he started.

‘Sorry, sorry, when I said “fellow”’, Woody air quoted, ‘I didn’t mean fellow in the male sense, but generally, men women, LGBT whatever, AC or DC.  I am not sexist, not much anyway unless you are cute, any toilet any day, I say’ he said to loud applause.

‘As I once said “I worked with Freud in Vienna. We broke over the concept of penis envy. Freud felt that it should be limited to women”, whereas I believe it should be universal’. At that the President, now restrained in a straitjacket, attempted to use his hands to indicate that he had absolutely no problems in that area but fell over as his arms were tied behind his back, just like the laughter from his cabinet.

‘Please hurry, Mr Allen, you only have two more allotted minutes to speak’ said Megyn.

Woody threw away his notes and ad-libbed, which he was quite good at.

‘First, I will give back Canada, and let Mr Trudeau out of Guantanamo – being better looking is not a punishable offence in my book. Furthermore, Melania Trump will no longer be Empress of Slovenia and Ivanka will no longer be Queen of Puerto Rico, those poor people have suffered enough already. And Marla Maples’ citizenship will be returned’. 

At that the crowd went wild and invaded the podium, hoisting Woody to their shoulders and shouting ‘kick out the bum’.  In the turmoil, Megyn was groped and this time it couldn’t be The Donald.

At that Wolf Blitzer summed up, ‘Well that was an unusually subdued Presidential debate, no one got beaten up this time.  Looks like we will have a new President in November, another ageing clown but at least one who is slightly funny. Good night, America, sleep a little sounder.’

‘Good night and God Bless’, ended Ms Kelly

‘If I find the sonofabitch who fondled me I will kill him’, she growled unaware that the microphone was still live and that Woody had huge grin on his face, just like the President.

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