News Real 9 – Issue 30

WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

THIS MONTH:  Mistakes

In this modern world, it seems no one makes mistakes anymore, as everyone is getting it right first time. Although, it may be just that they are not as readily admitted, due to the fear of being vilified by society.

REALITY TV

Women and men (mothers and fathers) loosely referred to as parents, will be expected to pay a TV type licence fee every time they watch a live scan of their baby in the womb.

“To expect such services to be free is just plain idealism,” a business manager for the NHS said, even before anyone had asked him.

WE CAN WORK IT OUT

A new risk calculator is being presented to a public afraid of their own indeterminate, random longevity and ongoing health.

The new Tory Calculator is a cunning device, or tool if you like, that gives the patient, even the impatient, early indications of the growing risks of becoming a Tory.

Relief is offered as the calculator’s creators have included measures to avoid such a horrific outcome, and shows how steps can be taken to prevent becoming small-minded, bigoted and mildly fascistic.

The tool asks a person basic facts about how they think, or if indeed they think at all, and a questionnaire about asking questions provides the calculator with vital information to assess and declare the likelihood of suffering from Toryism. It will be available on the NHS and will be free at the point of delivery and will cost only £9.99 to those in-patients collecting from their not-so local medical outlet.

PARTING WITH REALITY

The minister for Very Rural (Rude) Urban Affairs, Rt-Wing Honourable Benedict Cumbersome, will be tabling a motion to ban flatulence from public places.

He is reported as stating that, given the vilification of cows, we as humans need to step up to the cliche and take responsibility for our own carbon emissions. The minister said that this will be the first step in banning flatulence in any place other than outer space.

“We need to be serious about this; we humans have gotten away with casual pollution like this for far too long,” the minister’s adviser told us verbatim.

A casual psychoanalyst passed comment on why the minister is so keen on these measures.

“Apparently, Mr Cumbersome has a deep love of cows and is looking to inversely project this love into a kind of loathing for humans. His psychosis can be derived from a trauma he suffered when at public school. On more than one occasion Mr Cumbersome, sheltered under a cow to escape the unwanted attentions of his housemates from school, who were persecuting him for his bedwetting – exacerbated by the fact that it was anyone’s rather than his own bed he soiled – and nervous flatulence.

His obvious gratitude to the bovine species is now manifested in this exercise of power over his human environment, something he was unable to do until the cow’s happy intervention. He is merely acting out his trauma in attempting to influence or form an act of parliament that makes humanity pay for its hostility towards him.”

It is expected that Cumbersome will not succeed in his quest to put things right in his own mind, through his role as parliamentarian.

THE DEVIL’S WORKFORCE

According to sources, the Devil is becoming tired of making people suffer. Psychoanalysts are calling it cruelty fatigue. Apparently the hot lad’s gripe is that since God – and Heaven – accepts repentant sinners, no questions asked, Hell is underproductive, despite the recent Furnace closures imposed by market forces.

Allied to this malaise over productivity, the horned one is wanting to branch out into his own brand of goodness, integrity and moralistic behaviour that doesn’t have any caveat of absolution or even secular power that makes hell and its suffering redundant.

Although receiving harsh criticism as a sell-out to do-gooder liberal ethics, the cloven-footed maestro is insisting that he will not form a coalition with humanism.

“I am only interested, in scientific, rational terms, in exploring the human potential for good for its own sake entirely. I do not have a hidden agenda and do not want all the theological baggage that gives the evil people suits they can wear to appear good, or contrite or even repentant. I feel it’s time for me to explore my conscience once more, and dig deep into religion that can deliver true goods. I call it my ‘scorched earth  policy’ towards Toryism.

IT’S ALL IT AND BUM NERDS

Tamara Nevercome, the former exotic dancer from Poland, has forsaken the Wolf-Hall whistles and cat calls for a new job as ass. head researcher for the government.

“I thought it would be a case of statistics, statistics and damned lies, however, since starting at LeaveIt2Us, the outsourced number crunchers of thought company, it’s been only damned lies.

The politicians using our data like to think that stats are vital but ultimately it’s just a body of numbers that reflects an unhealthy diet of lies and deception. I am like their dietician, controlling their addiction to unsavoury statistics. I want them to be leaner and meaner in in government.” the curvaceous eastern european said very quietly into a concealed microphone.

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