News Real 8 – Issue 30

A TALE OF TWO TAILS

A leading men’s hair replacement firm, My Little Pony Tail, has been forced to withdraw and recall its latest syrups, and suspend all operations to sew hair into any scalp in the near future.

The problem has arisen due to hair used in the syrups and sewn in locks are so real that the hairs have developed split ends. Men about town and other millionaire wastrels have complained that their thatches have developed split ends and have become unbecoming and unmanageable, especially when backcombing.

This setback for the global company comes on the heels of the controversy over their line of grey hair replacement perfected last year to take advantage of the silver dollar spending power.

“I told them it was just follicle to try to make falsity into the appearance of natural reality. There’s a philosophical and materialistic contradiction in manufacturing a natural look to appease small-minded vanity!” a dilettante social anthropologist texted without being prompted.

MAD? SCIENCE?

Dr Nutt-Extract has come out – of his very scientifically sophisticated bedroom of his customised four-up- two-down in Stepney – and posited that shopping increases our risk to cancer.

Apparently, the excessive adrenaline rush mixed with the despair of not getting the bargain hunted, and the inevitable come-down when we get the piece of mass production home and realise it for what it is, can create the rogue cells that are cancerous. Apparently, although the honest scientific community who never falsify or contrive results has, to a man, woman, transgender and lab rat, condemned the doctor’s conclusions as unscientific tommyrot. The community says that shopping cannot lead to cancers as long as you don’t smoke, drink or think while doing it.

However, the doctor said his results were based on an extensive experiment group of eight people in Surrey, who despite their affluence, liked to indulge in a little proletarian activity called physical-space shopping as a kind of Christmas game. The findings say that people who shop in discount, everything under a pound shops are 97.898989898% more likely to develop semi-colon cancer as the toilets are invariably in poorer condition than in more high-brow establishments. Those folks that shop in regional copies of Harrods are 8.099% at risk of nose cancer, usually brought on by looking down their noses at the passing proletarians, especially while the shoppers are waiting in the queue to be checked out. Some of the survey group showed increased risk of bowel cancer as a result of using credit cards they worried about being rejected for reaching the limit. It was discovered that one of the eight decided to bail out early and returned home to a nice cup of warm milk and a biscuit, and over the test period showed a reduction in the risk of spleen cancer as the cells were able to build up a resistance to becoming rogue cancerous cells because the spleen was receiving more positive stimulus outside of the detrimental effects of shopping. Apparently, the risks of all cancers are reduced by 1 in 101 when shopping online, but auction sites can increase the risk again by a factor of 5.5ph.

Whether it’s just a slur on the doctor’s competence or fact, critics often say that the doctor bought all of his scientific equipment at Saturday markets and table top sales. The doctor was unavailable for comment as he is embarking on another research project to test the hypothesis that watching too much mainstream TV leads to depression and hopeless cynicism.

LOOK THERE’S SEW-AND-SEW

Perennial celebrity, Bo Squat, has been twittering on about how grateful he is for the support of fans after the earth-shattering controversy of him being photographed kissing a Singer sewing machine.

Nothing better to do paparazzi had snapped the by parental association celebrity giving the very useful piece of equipment a big smacker recently. Apparently, the machine was a family heirloom and the celeb was so pleased to be reunited with it that he couldn’t contain himself. Only the pointless celebrity hunters with too expensive cameras didn’t cotton on to what was exactly happening. The result of their ignorance when selling the snap to newspapers, meant that a story of the celebrity’s sexual orientation being too mechanistic was perpetrated by such as The Daily Lame.

The celebrity’s lawyers said Bo would not be suing anybody but would go home and do a bit of sewing.

WHOLE SACK OF XMAS

In an ‘Awwww’ admirable move to raise money – if not standards – for Xmas, a number of leading football ex-managers are to take part in a charity sack race.

A spokesperson for the event said, “It just illustrates the state of the human spirit when self-parody by enriched failures can generate yet more charity monies for the needy.”Taking part in the race will be such top figures as Joe Sayyoudontneedme, and Tim Panalley.

NADOLIG LLAWEN

The people of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch are expecting a peaceful Christmas this year as they will be shopping mostly online and avoiding the crowds in Bangor.

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