News Real 3 – Issue 30

SEEING IS DISBELIEVING

A growing number of people have been suffering from nausea and severe headaches over the last few years. Scientists studied groups and were able to eliminate dietary problems, obesity and smoking and drinking from their conclusions, much to the chagrin of the political-scientific community.

It turns out that the cause of the suffering is the continuous watching of anti-ageing and women’s beauty product advertisements. The over use of filters is rendering the actors as out of focus as the manufacturers and their cohorts, the ad people, try ever harder to persuade us of the magic qualities of their products. The advertisements are using so many heavy filters, the subjects are fuzzy, and the usual outlines of facial details are eliminated to the point of smoothness that has the effect of appearance of being unfocussed, almost amorphous objects.

Not to miss an opportunity, there’s already talk of manufacturing special ad-goggles – at extra cost of course – that reclaims a degree of 2D sharpness. This will ameliorate the symptoms whilst maintaining the integrity of advertising and product manufacture in peddling such implausible products and retrograde ideas.

GOODNESS LESSONS

This year many children will feel the integrity of sanctions as Santa uses political ideology to judge whether kids have been good for goodness sake.

The previously merry fellow has been got at by the Tory party 1922 committee and is arbitrarily applying sanctions to children’s gift packages and stockings. He will make judgements based on politically perceived needs rather than applying his usual practice of overspending on children’s happiness at Xmas. This application of austerity measures is, of course, only applied to an economic class of children whose parents are either underemployed, unemployed or just underpaid.

“At least the children who receive this valuable lesson about good economics, self-restraint and earned reward for conformity will be helped in understanding the real world of facts,” said Mr Grindemdown, the new minister for niggardliness.

DOES A BEAR SIT IN THE WOODS?

Biffo the Bear has been arrested after he was found to be a serial defecator in the local woods.

Despite the lovable furry character’s protests he was taken to the local constabulary, only seventy-five miles away from where the incident took place. The iconic children’s favourite will be sentenced next month, having been caught red-arsed, with his pants round his ankles and the incriminating evidence still warm. There will be a charge of public disorder and uneco activities which carries with it a maximum term of one thousand hours of community service, a little of which may be used up by TV and/or radio appearances.

Biffo’s creators said that the bear was only trying to assuage a curiosity shared by all and solve a dilemma occupying human minds since time immemorial. They also added that the accused was caught trying to cover his experiments with the same fastidiousness shown by a domestic cat.

STRINGING US ALONG

The Office of Notional Statistics has released its latest data concerning their string theory.

Figures show more people are using longer pieces of string than previous generations. As a result, the average length expectancy of a piece of string has increased by a whopping 7.5% since 2010. Therefore, the price of string will need to increase in order to pay for the dwindling stocks of longer pieces of string.

Asked about the length of a piece of string, a spokesman for ONS said, “We should be proud of our modernity in light of our growing ability to increase lengths of string due to better processes and practices and, of course, not smoking and drinking quite as much from the lower-classes.”

We asked him for any comment on the quality of the string but he didn’t expand on what he’d already said. When pressed for a lengthy and more precise answer, he added, “7.5% longer,” before moving away swiftly to the local hostelry to no doubt imbibe liquids not part of the string theory.

HIGH HOPES

The new quango, The National Height Service, will provide help and support to those who are modest to diminutive vertical presences.

Obvious aids such as platform shoes will be provided to ameliorate any inferiority felt by their size, and also fit in with the retro fashions of today. Stilts can be hired out for the adventurous.Tall stovepipe hats can be hired by the more reserved customer/patient. There’s even a rent scheme where customer/patients can hire out horses, ponies and elephants (only available down south, where the climate is more conducive). There will be the added bonus of a free Val Doonican single, Walk Tall with every successful application for services. In conjunction with the opthalmic fraternity, special photo lens spectacles that can make others appear further away and consequently smaller will be provided at cost, to take away any anxiety about comparative height situations. The piloted pogo stick has been withdrawn due to more hindrance than it was worth.

There’s also a consoling video showing tall people banging their heads on low ceilings etc and experiencing discomfort sitting in theatre and cinema seats where legroom is Victorian. The video is complemented by a morale-boosting list (with pictures) of some famous and influential historical figures all under 1.71m tall.

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