News Real 2 – Issue 30

IF THE SPIRIT MOVES

A person, wholly unrelated to TV presentation, experienced a ghostly phenomenon in a house in Thryllll, North Wales.

After a few hours in the dark, an apparent poltergeist, not just an apparition, put up a picture frame without using a hammer.

“It must have been the spirit of a DIY enthusiast or some frustrated art gallery assistant.” said Rodney Diviner, a dilettante ghost and spirit hunter.

Another incident in a terraced-house in the Midlands saw a tap leak being fixed by an apparent poltergeist plumber. Then, after another forty-two hours in the spooky place, a number of ping-pong balls were batted around by a spirit of a frustrated East Wolverhampton runner-up of the nineteen-sixties.

This same person, Damien ‘Porkie’ Pies, previously had experienced a malevolent spirit in a house in East Ham. The disturbed spirit had manipulated an Etch-A-Sketch, and spelled out some rather obscene comments, before shaking it and adding the legend, ‘I hope my next of kin get royalties for my performance’. The ghoul also added the name and address of his next of kin and a lawyer whose reputation really scared the pants off the wholly unrelated to TV presentation fellow, Pies.

BASS INSTINCTS

Bassist of the once famous punk band, Cnuts2U, is planning to take the band to court, claiming that he was instrumental in the band’s success yet received little recompense for his efforts and blinding.

He claims that he wrote the lyrics for two of their iconic numbers; ‘Titles Out For Anarchy’s Sake’ and ‘Talent Is For Twots’. He also still pronounces himself the bess untalented bassist in the business.

His fellow ex-band members, to a man, retorted with ‘F-Off’ and the bassist, Ptolemy Smith – nicknamed ‘PS taker’ by the band – replied with, “Well, they would say that, being the walking cliche of punkishness they always were.”

Lord Justice Terence Wright-B’stard is likely to be presiding over this case, should it get that far, and he is definitely one to clamp down on unruly behaviour in his court, regardless of its dramatic quality. He once muzzled an opera singer who wanted to self-represent by singing her own praises in defence of her case.

BRING ON THE CLONES

Timing, like so many things in life, is context specific.

Whether it is running from the past into the darkness of immediate future, hoping for time to be on your side as your transport is mercifully late, or, whether it is pacing up and down from the past to a brightness called future efficiency, hoping that due to a significant time slip, your transport is so late as to cause irritation over how unconcerned everyone else is, to the point where their ease adds minuses and makes you even later than late, and like a taxi, each click is money lost.

Then there’s the machine groaning from the past, struggling along and taking on weight, so slowing it further, moving it forward into the red zone, where a light will flash an accusational glance, informed by a darkened future where circumstances are never beyond your control, yet given other circumstances, power never is held to account.

HEART RISK IN SWEET TALK

Scientists have identified excessive fatuous complimentary and sentimental flattery is influential in the growing obesity of mankind. The excessively sweet nothings of would-be lovers is putting people at greater risk of heart attacks and strokes of ill-fortune.

As a result, the government, never one to miss a headline-grabbing political sweetmeat, will move to have romantic poetry removed from the curriculum as it is believed by the scientific community – whose place of work is kept secret for security reasons – that such sugary language can soften the heart’s wall.

“it’s a case of artery imitating art and not lifestyle imitating artery,” a passing comedian commented.

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