SEASONAL WORK AVAILABLE, IMMEDIATELY. Not only available but compulsory for you know who. Positions for SNOW ANALYSTS have been created for anyone deemed unable to do regular, real-world work. The recipient of such great opportunity will be expected to collect and analyse snowflakes to ensure any identical flakes are rooted out and reported to J. Snow as subversive. Knowledge of MS Office and a vehicle licence as clean as the driven snow essential.
F.Christmas has all the details at your local JCP.
Needed urgently, SWATCH ADVISERS. A dynamic role in excellent customer service, the entrants must be passionate about carpet swatches, although experience in wallpaper and paint swatches would be considered advantageous.
Any applicant is expected to thoroughly understand the importance of pile and its impact on people’s lives and sense of well-being.
Apply by email to email@example.com
CLEARINGS SALE. Every stick must go! Cut a swathe through any forest and make your future easier to see through the trees.
Get your quote now from COPSE SHOP online.
Temporary accommodation for anyone with land of their own. We have so many treated canvasses for sale, you need never sleep under the stars again. All tentative offers will be considered.
Contact Guido Rope at YawningsRU.com
For Sale – Unwanted gifts for sale. Plus many undelivered gifts meant for children who had misbehaved or didn’t go to sleep on Xmas Eve.
Special mystery sackfuls for those who genuinely like surprises.
Call S.A.N.T.A for details.
For Sale – Gift Horse. A good goer, very fit but must never be looked at in the mouth.
For sale – Sleigh. One very carefree owner, mostly used but in working ocndition.
Comes with six reindeer thrown in. Sorry, no sacks but these can be bought from any major supermarket.
Apply to TheNorthPole@merryxmas.org
Wooden Logs for Sale.
Gathered in Prague and imported to the UK by Wenceslas & King, bespoke logistics firm.
Give your chestnuts the traditional roasting they deserve with prime logs.
Email your order to: WC@crispandeven.com
WANTED: CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. WILL PAY GOOD PUBLIC MONEY FOR IT BUT IT MUST BE GENUINE.
Be on the look out for fakes and poor EU and Far East copies of this particularly British commodity.
Contact your local council or local (understanding the looseness of this term) MP to avail yourself of something everyone is looking to purchase. Full and clear details can be found online.