Humanly Sports Pages – Issue 30

BURNING AMBITION

Travis T. Blaze lived up to his name when he was a victim of friction in the recent US football contest between High-Utility Bills and Jobs Steelers.

The award winning quarterback was in the process of going for a crucial first-down in the fourth quarter, when his right leg caught fire. Luckily, he was jumped on by the Bills’ short coverage man, Az Bestos, who, in making his game-saving tackle, immediately put out the flames and Blaze sustained superficial burns.

A safety crew carried out an inspection of the artificial turf and found it was a build up of sand in the red zone that had caused the freak incident.

BASE INSTINCTS

Triple-A team Poughkeepsie Bobbiesocks turned up to their latest fixture with Witchitaw Linemen to find someone had stolen second base.

Apparently, while the security guard was stealing forty-winks on his fourth consecutive thirteen-hour shift, a person or persons unknown, had made off with the bag that was second base. Fortunately, although the club cannot afford spares and the cost will come out of the guard’s next pay check, a member of the crowd had a bumper bag of Cheesy Whatsits that the club could use as second base for the game.

As testimony to the quality of the snack bag makers, the bag not only lasted the extra inning game but ensured the contents were still edible afterwards. The crowd shared the manifold snack as a form of celebration at the Bobbiesocks’ six-run top of the thirteenth inning, match-winning blast, wherein Titus Antitus scored a grand-slam for the third time this season.

GHOUL SCORING

A football club is ruing their insistence on staying in their old ground to play matches. During their latest encounter with Sacresu City, a team from eastern Europe, the home side found a linesman (ref’s ass.) seeing ghosts when calling offside on a number of puzzling occasions. Once, in the second half, the less than medium official flagged for offside even though all the home players were in their own half.

After the match, which ended ghoulless, the official was exorcised by the Paraphysiotherapist hired by the club to counter the demons blighting their season so far. Despite one incident when a shot appeared to be redirected into the net by a skilful poltergeist in the match with So-and-So Rovers, the manager of New Spiritualists Academy, Trevor Batty, said that the club feels haunted by failure, and haven’t, realistically, a ghost of a chance of avoiding relegation.

Some club members and fans think the club’s woes began after they sacked their pastor due to administration cuts made in the close season.

A SIGN OF THE TIMES

Stan Dan Deliver has been sacked by Impetuoso City plc after just eleven seconds ‘in the job’.

The hapless former manager of sixty-two other teams and a dog-sled team in Canada, was dismissed when the owner of the club, Sergei Calzone took umbrage at the sloven lines of Deliver’s signature on the contract.

“I felt I couldn’t put the club’s future in the hands of a man whose signature is lazily illegible,” said the self-made billionaire.

Deliver is seeking legal advice over whether the contract – which would see the hapless fellow a millionaire even if he were not to manage a game – is legally valid.

POLITICAL FOOTBALL LATEST RESULTS:

Dismal Fanatics 130, Humanity nil / Clandestine Authoritarianism Nein, Democracy Too / Moral Hypocrisy 252, Representative Majority nil / Tory Minority 184, Opposition 184 (Tory Minority won on abstention penalties) / IS nil, ISN’T nil (political stalemate, the struggle continues and the crowd loses on penalty of death) / Actual Figures 90K, Official Figures 3K (Actual Figures were stripped of their human dignity and  life, and declared the losers by an independent body appointed by the government) / North West England 352mm, Taxation -50million (NWE lost when their defensive wall was taken away from the ball at a free-kick-in-the-teeth-enterprise move by the government) / British Steel (Tata division) 2.5K, Task Force Retraining 50 (TFR were declared the winners after a recount by the Office of Notional Statistics).

UPWARDLY MOBILE SKIING

Slowlumber Challenge from Pitzpuerile, Austria. This test of endurance uphill skiing race that began in the particularly bad winter of 1941-42 is still going. The prestigious Sisyphus Trophy is yet to be decided.

The competitors have bequeathed their places in the race to their offspring, whether or not they are capable of or committed to doing what’s necessary to succeed in the race. During the summer months wheels were fitted to the competitors’ equipment but due to oil-shortages, progress has been tortured.

The leaderboard as it currently stands:

1st place: Everton Minz (Austria) leading by eight metres; 2nd place: Earnest Shortfall (UK) recovering well form his black Monday on the Stock Market when he went for Stork Bellies rather than Pork Bellies and lost his family’s entire fortune; 3rd place: Eunadae Slapp (US) the svelte socialite who does this stuff because she can’t find anything more interesting to do; 4th place: Count Meowt (Hungary) who is showing unusual determination in staying the course, even though he is a day and a half back from the lead.

LIKE SNOW OFF A SHOVEL

The Snow Shovelling competition held in Moose, Wyoming has been won by Amboy Pukes. The homegrown talent established a world record in shovelling twenty tons of snow in only two hours, with the help of his Spear & Jackson No:4 quickblade shovel.

FAST AND LEWD

The Olympic Lewd Trials, held in Park City, Utah, were won by the US champion, Hank Onan, in an Olympic record time. The fastest naked toboganning course is a place where only a tray sits between the competitor and hospitalisation. The Swiss competitor, Franz Montebanker, had an indecent exposure charge dropped after the CCTV footage showed it was too cold to constitute an offence on such little evidence.

COOL THROWINGS

The Ice Javelin tournament was won by the Latvian, Brian Nylon, with an effort of twenty-four and a half metres. The competitors throw specially manufactured stalactites – the competitor from Lithuania was disqualified for throwing a stalagmite – and their efforts are recorded in a special cork-board at the end of the track, where the trajectory of bounce determines the throw’s value. The Briton, Reginald Cide, failed to register a legal throw as each time he tried, his hand stuck to the javelin and he only pricked his foot with the sharp object without releasing it.

ANIMAL LOVERS

The cold-hearted sport of Skewing had its latest meeting in Arkansas.

The competitors are expected to skewer animals and present their catch to the judges. The one with the most varied skewered array wins the prize of a stuffed mongoose. The last meeting was won by Evan Elpus jr, who managed to collect eight different animals on his stick in the hour-long contest.

(Not for the feint-hearted and/or vegetarians)

DONKEY DERBY

The last big footballing gladiatorial contest between Town and Rich Country ended in a tedious 2-1 victory for Town’s manager. Harry Lemon will keep his job, and the club form shelling out a termination of contract payment, for another week at least.

The multi-millionaire players played like asses and provided the punters with something very unfayre in the scheme of things. Juan Doesntmatter missed a great opportunity to increase his share price and Wayne O’Comeshine moved aimlessly about the pitch like a mobile money-pit.

Graeme Pounds-Sterling was equally ineffective in manipulating the kid’s gobstopper of a ball towards the ultimate goal of a shot on target. Stuck Pigbarn did snout of consequence while the other big name, Theo Brown acted so badly as to be undetectable by any RADA. Yoyo Tourist was replaced after seventy-five anonymous minutes to rapturous applause from his teammates, however, the crowd was ethically torn and thereby mostly silent. Then there was Will Fulbonehead, who also left the field after one of the most ineffective and pointless performances of his illustrious career. Apparently, he was tired after all that efforting about.

At least the referee is a much richer man after so many players bought free-kicks from him during the debacle. To cap it all the statuesque Malcolm Fallfeigningly came on late after his new watchphone missed its pips on his bench alarm.

The long suffering crowd were reduced to chanting, ‘Where’s Godot!’

One independent pundit described the game as an unsophisticated game of Parcheesi. Eddie Lear, a distant relative of the famous poet said, “This was pure nonsense.”

A theatre critic, specialising in Giblet & Sloven performances said, “This corpsing from corporate entities was a load of Mankipoo!”

Puzzle solutions:

Picture answers: Left to Right – 1) Daybreak  2) Over the moon  3)  Slippery slope logic 4)  Trainspotting

Crossword: Across: 3) Stocking 5) Present 6) Sack 7) New 8) Christmas 10) Merry . Down: 1) Happy 2) Reindeer 4) Crackers 9) Sleigh 11) Year . 

Sudoku: Trial and error; do you really need a set of answers to spoil your fun? You’ll know when it’s right.

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