News Real 2 – Issue 26


“Hello, there,” and “Thank you” fatigue. is affecting a large percentage of people, an expert has hinted at while in the local pub.

Special wards in the few hospitals still extant, are being set up for EGS (Excessive Greeting Syndrome).

Symptoms include babbling superficial jollities before manifesting streams of vitriol and foul language.

EGS can also develop in to TS or Tourist Syndrome where over-politeness causes severe language outbursts that sometimes takes the form of famous soliloquies, often from Shakespeare.

Intense retraining is required to beat these modern ailments and studies show that 5% of people need just a cold shower. A further 17% require exposure to A Clockwork Orange in text or film form; while a whopping 92% of the remainder require cosmetic surgery, for no other reason than it amuses people to feel better about themselves, so as to make pointless and degrading politenesses unnecessary.

Experts are particularly worried by the proliferation of “sorry,” in people’s conduct. This constant apologising is a sign of low self-esteem as people more and more in a disenfranchised state feel they have no worth and sorry is effectively expressing a sense they have of not deserving to be alive.

Some of these sufferers are known to be obsessed with the song: ‘Sorry seems to be the easiest word’.

They can be heard, through open windows everywhere singing plaintively the words:

So bad, so bad,

it’s a no-lode situation

so why don’t we just gloss it over

Sorry seems to be the easiest word.

An expert carpenter has made comment on this subject and we can produce his homespun yet wise axioms:

  • With the wood being so clearly varnished, there’s no more planing to be done.
  • Don’t be warned off going against the grain. It’s the only way to break the furniture and produce something worthwhile.
  • Create your own joints with love, it’s what keeps your drawers from falling apart when you have too many clothes.
  • Keep whittling away at hardwood truths, when you’ve made a toothpick, it’s easier to pierce the cherries in life’s bowl.
  • Don’t sand all the rough edges, sometimes splinter groups can prick consciences.
  • Don’t make a cross for your own back, make them for those who deserve crucifying; don’t forget to ask for cash upfront!
  • Icons are just a wooden you in his position.


In the latest politically expedient moves to create confusion in educational valuation, a government minister for Cerebral Added Value is proposing a new set of examinations.

To replace the SATs and SUNs that already exist, there will be the new ERSATZ exams.

“The new examinations will better prepare pupils for the disappointment of the real world. This world is one in which we’ve achieved progressive devaluation of educational value and achievement for the masses, whilst producing – by default – a kind of elite for the very specialist career jobs that are still available. The new ultra-real exams, will sort out the ‘we’ll do what’s necessary’ from the ‘we’ll do anything’ corporate fodder.


A new chain of Sophistry and Bedrock shops will be opening soon on a trading estate fairly near you.

In these outlets, you’ll be sold pillow talk rhetoric for deeply sprung political ideological dogma.

A particular favourite of the consumer class is the coverall where tax evasion is illegal yet tax avoidance is not. However, the latter is severely frowned upon as a rule of thumb-against-the-nose Toryism.

“Let those without synonym cast nothing in stone.” chirped a weekend moralist with raiments of the one true God.

A passing philosopher-tourist added, “A friend avoids, another evades. It’s the taxonomy of the rich and infamous. It lacks moral censure, instead it is a form of social insanity.”

The situation is reminiscent of that famous protestant figure, Lexical Luther, a man intent on reducing the iconography of the Ubermensch and those who would have us believe they are supermen, when they are merely stupid clerks and kents.


A leading political commentator and TV presenter has been taken out of circulation due to his illiberal use of the C-word.

In a modernist paraphrasing of an old rhyme, the famous son of an ex-bank clerk was heard to intone, ‘His is minor, mine is more, catch a communist by the toe-the-party-line…’

The now disgraced father of unrest and laddish sophistication, has been consigned to the entertainment wilderness for forty shows on forty nights. It is thought in party circles – sometimes referred to as social cliques – that he will make a triumphant comeback on a populist gameshow, yet to be determined by his agent.


In further austerity measures, a patient at St. Barf’s Hospital in Spittalfields, has had funding for an operation on his knee capped. The NHS can only afford to treat and replace a particular cartilage of his knee and cannot afford to do the whole thing.

The Scots father of none, said he was disappointed but understood the need for knee capping measures.

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