News Real 1 – Issue 26

TIME FOR LEVITY

Mr Graham Levity has been given a short, sharp sentence for the temerity of introducing humour into the workplace.

The unfortunate office jester has plenty to chew on after his benefactors, Ampersand Inc. reacted to his latest jape like vultures on to a carcass. The lad was shaken but not stirred as his jolly motto is ‘he who jests wins’ even after the Dawn raid by the T.W.A.T team of crack automata caused his mouse mat to curl up.

Levity will still need to watch his step, as well as his forum semantics to avoid getting the dreaded four-letter word on his performance record.

Friends of Levity have voiced their concerns over such reactionary and somewhat unreasonable treatment of someone whose only crime is to want to make others smile.

XMAS TRIAGE

Preparations are hotting up for the Xmas rush to be treated by the overworked NHS.

Everyone wants to be the Fairy at the top of the triage but that position is already taken by certain people who are more important than the rest. The planning has already taken account of urgency and relevance and is not being done on economic lines, no siree bob, economics don’t come in to it.

Pressure groups have highlighted the problems when people feel they are treated like old baubles or lights and are put to the bottom of the Xmas triage.

There are also concerns that the NHS triage is showing signs of age as the needles are fewer and it is looking a little threadbare. Spokespeople for the government have defended their position and have mooted that next year they will be introducing a plastic triage which will be more efficient and will look the same year on year, despite their insistence on reducing the decorations, citing a fall off in the populace’s enthusiasm for such frippery when dealing with illness.

WHAT DO WE LEARN?

A new minister has been created by this ever imaginative coalition government.

Sir Raymond King-Fines has been appointed Minister For Raising Money (from previously ordinary behaviour). His special remit is to oversee – at a massive stipend plus expenses – the development of ideas that criminalise, through edict and diktat, behaviours so as to raise money from previously law abiding citizens, often in the enacting of reasonable family life.

The latest feather in Sir Raymond’s cap came when a mother of two took her children out of school one day before the summer break, to reduce the cost of travel, and she was fined heavily and given a criminal record when she challenged the arbitrary political ruling. Ironically, Sir Raymond is on the same committee for absurdist culture as an MP recently exposed as criminal after fraudulently claiming £50K in bogus expenses but who avoided justice by merely resigning.

“At least my kids are learning about arbitrary draconian law making.” Said Mrs Audrey Inary, on her way to court with her two children. In a further irony, it was discovered that Audrey’s children should have been in school but they had been given special dispensation to attend the court through the caveat of ‘special circumstances’.

Mrs Inary added, “I wouldn’t care but this is the only day I’ve taken them out of school early. Just a couple of months ago, I would have been able to have a further nine days out of school. This was before the laws were changed on the issue.”

CHRISTMAS SHOCKING?

Online shopping is ringing the death knell for Santa.

Children’s innate capacities that see them embracing computerisation before, even instead of, moral and ethical debating skills, is inevitably threatening the Santa story as both unentertaining (even if it is Richard Attenborough) and notionally redundant.

One four-year old child recently shocked its parents when she said she was sending a present order via a shopping website to the deliverer of her dreams. She called her Santa, John Lewis.

The little tyke went on to amuse her relieved parents by using the word caveat in an appropriate context, when she mentioned, “I’m ordering my present early so you can wrap it up in time for Xmas day, because according to the site, it will take twenty-four hours to arrive.” she added, to her parents’ mirth, “But at least John Lewis still exists, for the moment!”

(The quotes from the little shopper have been paraphrased by an adult to avoid condescension to the child’s understandably, as yet unsophisticated syntax. Eds.)

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