Humanly Sport Pages – Issue 26

HOT TUBBING

The IOC has had to close down the Literalarian Olympic pool. In a casual investigation the agency found that the small country had water at too high a temperature. In the recent Olympic trials, competitors emerged from the water in the state of lobsters. One leading swimmer suffered trauma when her suit welded to her body, and she was denuded of her outfit only after protracted surgery.

“Now we know what the authorities in the country thought about the Olympic trials being heats before the finals.” A spokesperson for the IOC said between barely suppressed laughter.

BUYATHLON

Chaos brought the Olympic warm up event in Finland to a halt. The final part of the event saw too many competitors trying to get through the ten or less till with their trolleys overflowing with goods. While the carnage was at its height, the Japanese contestant managed to roll his trolley over the prone bodies of the other participants to get cashed up first. However, the judges later disqualified Harry Kirry for eating part of his produce on his way round the aisles. The CCTV camera captured his scoffing of chilled vegetables and grapes in aisle eleven.

The competitor from Iceland, ironically fell foul of a crack in the ice on aisle ten and got the wheels of his trolley caught, then as the ice parted, he and his trolley disappeared into the cold, cold waters.

IT’S A NO BONER

Ms Larissa Toe was left redfaced when she was disqualified from the last heat of Single Skeleton racing at the Andorran Social Club. Larissa had, apparently, won the heat by sliding down the course on her own skeleton rather than the approved composite frame universally acknowledged as official vehicle for the contest.

A disappointed member of the crowd shouted at Ms Toe, “Fire, fire, ski pants on fire!” It is not fully known whether this was an accusation or indeed safety advice as Ms Toe’s outfit was alight at the time.

“I never could tell fact from friction,” the prospective Olympian quipped, “and because I was still under the combined weight of 92kg.” She added in between fits of laughter.

A spokesperson for The Federacion Internationale de Bobsleigh et de Tobogganing (FIBT) said, “We can’t let such blatant individualism go unpunished. The sport would only go downhill from here if this behaviour was allowed. It’s the worst breach since the first English woman, Eve Ning, won a race sliding on a silver service tea trolley in Garmisch Partenkirchen.”

Noelle Picksup-Speed, the American competitor, was declared the winner due to the defaulting of Ms Toe.

TRANSFERS TO THE STAGE

Chelsea Buns FC are looking for a new midfielder after their incumbent, George Chillax, was head-hunted by an agent for the RSC touring company. Toby Belcher, the agent, was won over by the midfielder’s skilled acting, and on the completion of the match approached the lad who accepted the challenge, given the advanced stage in his footballing career.

The seasoned footballer but novice thespian, in formal terms at least, will put his feigning skills to the test when he takes the stage as the fool in a contemporary interpretation of King Lear. His first test will come in the scene where Lear is choosing his favourites by holding a sporting competition between his daughters and his entourage, including the fool.

“Although I’ll be taking something of a pay cut, my performances were never about money. I will embrace the stage just as I did the grass of a football field; I’ll give 110%.”

THINKING OUTSIDE THE SERVICE BOX

Millie Ann One, the Andorran tennis star withdrew from her latest tournament when she couldn’t agree on a strategy with her on court psychologist.

Trailing by a set, Millie asked for Herr Splitter to come from the stands to sit with her at changeovers. However, after only three more games, all of which went to her opponent, Millie began gesticulating with her racquet, then had to be restrained when she wielded it above her head, about to strike Herr Splitter. The plucky Andorran eventually shook hands with the Aussie, Geraldine Gerund, conceding defeat in the first round match.

It transpired that the disagreement was caused by the psychologist suggesting she should take a Freudian approach to the game, when Millie wanted to tap into Buddhism to reverse the trend of the contest. Herr Splitter wanted her to concentrate on her superego, but the player began to insist on the idea that instead of obsessing on winning, she should relax into a state where the outcome didn’t matter, thereby focusing her mind into the experience of the ball itself. Herr Splitter, an obsessive Freudian, couldn’t condone this approach, describing it as a classic Thanatos impulse that would see her lose without winning another point.

Unsurprisingly, they have parted company, and Millie will take a small Buddhist icon to matches in future.

At the World Canasta Championships held on Tristan Da Cunha, controversy was born recently.

Segnorina Carnivale has had a law suit served on her because of her move to establish a mind meld on her Scandinavian opponents in the semi-final. Miss Carnivale tried to create a new legal relationship between two cards of the same rank of threes. She explained her strategy as an attempt to change the staid and somewhat restrictive rules that excluded empathy and learning how your opponent was thinking so as to heighten the sense of participation and ecstasy of winning in a simultaneous orgasm through Canasta.

One of her opponents, Max Imus, went out as a result of what he described as an under the table approach to the noble game.

“She was bringing the game in to disrepute and should be blackballed.”

Ironically, due to an injury picked up in the Spanish Civil War as a five-year old, the 82 year-old veteran of Canasta cannot meld with anyone except spiritually anymore with anyone she loves.

She was previously accused of a dirty Canasta at the last championships in Minsk.

There are some rumoured opinions that aliens came and went without contact on encountering the absurdly convoluted rules of Canasta. The US government constantly refutes this claim, as we all know that aliens never land anywhere other than northern or western America. No sightings in South America or Europe have been verified by the US authorities. The US has frowned upon ‘other’ versions of Canasta as being too emotionally expressive and not observant of the necessary rules of good behaviour in accordance with US edicts.

One player in an illegal game in Wisconsin was deported because she threatened to set alight to the decks and herself in protest at the ridiculous US version of the classic Uruguayan Canasta. Apparently, according to subversive opinion, there are more versions of Canasta than there are authentic democratic governments in the world.

BULL FIGHTING

In Manchester last month, there was a festival of bull fighting, universally called Question Time. The contestants included the famous It-Doesn’t-Matador, Miguel Porthole who is someone who can work both sides of the so-called red flag.

The celebrity contestant, Primadonna, was gored when the bull was at its most enraged. The arbiter, Sir Dimplecheeks, added to the bull and stepped in when anything exciting was ready to happen.

The exhibition of bull fighting moves to Dundee next in a vain attempt to establish Tory bull fighting in Scotland, who have recently had their fair share of bull.

FOOT IN MOUTH

Personchester United will be without their charismatic talismanic guru of football minimalism, Off Too Soon. The chief influence on the side’s modest success is suffering from a new ailment: Left Legend Injury. This condition has meant that the superstar has completed only eight of the team’s twenty-one matches this season.

There are those who think this condition is psychosomatic but this is less plausible than some opinion that says the superstar is merely suffering from complacency, or as Bob Dylan coined it, the “disease of conceit.” The superstar’s detractors are of the opinion that the side itself is struggling due to its concentration on the condition of one player in a squad of twenty-one; some of whom are pulling in six figure weekly wages.

A sports psychologist has added her opinion to the debate that threatens to engulf the once great side in a maudlin melancholy which is keeping them from achieving. Dr Marge Arine says that the superstar needs to move his finger away from his purse as it is forming into a psychosis of wealth stroking which is proving a distraction for the once gifted footballer. She was recently sent to the stands after shouting instructions to the superstar in the match with Porkscratchings County. She later was exonerated as she explained the misunderstanding by the referee of her exhortation to the player to, “Pull your finger out!” What was lost in this advice was the last part of the utterance that mentioned his fat purse. The referee had apparently taken it as a personal criticism of his performance.

NO POINT

An exorcist was called to the recent Darts Tournament in Middling-to-Bad. The reason for such unprecedented and astounding actions was the experience of Slim Domino, the US-based arrowsmith. In his quarter-final with Phil ‘The Saint’ Font, Domino’s darts failed to stay in the board. After the first visit to the oche saw all three of his arrows bounce out, the crowd merely gasped with what could have been ale exhaustion. However, on his second visit, all three just hit the board and flopped out causing him great discomfort as he had to bend down to pick them up.

With Slim in tears, an exorcist was called but he couldn’t get into the building: the doors were somehow sealed shut. Panic ensued until Font intervened with the gesture of the cross, which miraculously unsealed the building. Before the exorcist had reached the oche, Font had restarted the match and was soundly beaten as Domino played like a man possessed; averaging over a hundred per three darts. The crowd gave Font a standing ovation at the end of the contest.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *