Humanly Sports Pages – Issue 25

CRICKET NEWS

A quick single: England’s captain, Andrew Chef, is still unavailable to play for the national side as he is continuing to struggle with a personal injury claim.

BLOWING THE WHISTLE

Ludwig Witticism, the Austrian referee, has been dropped by FIFA.

A big-wig in FIFA said, “He is far too consistent. Some people were beginning to discern a rational hierarchy of punitive measures. We, at football’s governing body, accept only irrational arbitrariness.”

Witticism retorted, from his alpine resort, “Unglaublich!”*

  • Unbelievable in his native tongue.

WHAT A CONTEST

The latest of many global friendly cup matches, that are attracting ridiculous sums of sponsorship money, was played out between Arsenil and SwanInvestas.

It was played in honour of a famous women PM, and sponsored by some of her political offspring. In fact, the second half was delayed a couple of minutes when a shower of brown envelopes were blown across the field. There was no scoring in regular time as, in honour of the Ferrous Lady, there was no striking allowed. Instead the match was decided on financial penalties,

The scorecard was as follows:

                                   Arsenil              SwanInvestas

Share Price…                  302p              202p

Highest Player Wage…£120,000/week    £89,000/week

Advance Revenue…        $700k             $550k

Merchandising…          £1.2 million         $89 million

The final result was Arsenil 4 goals achieved versus SwanInvestas No goals achieved.

The crowd was virtually 8 billion.

F1 AND ALL

A pseudo-controversy has broken in the world of gas and tailgaters. It has been disclosed that Alain Frostproofing cannot actually drive.

A nonplussed world was in awed attendance of his press conference as the lad from Penge revealed he’d had a driving test when he was eighteen years old but had failed it for driving too slowly. “His driving was the pits,” his driving instructor recalled in random interview.

His ambition to be an F1 champ was so strong that he cooked up a plan to have his twin sister drive the races for him. No-one but no-one else knew of their subterfuge. Sheila, as she likes to be known, could drive but was banned for driving too fast even on the family’s drive.

“Their collaboration is very touching,” said the owner of F1, “I did once wonder why Alain had an extra mirror on his vehicles but thought nothing more of it, as I know him to be a stickler for his appearance.”

The public seems to be as equally impressed by the siblings’ scam.

“Good on him (and her), we live pretty much in virtual space now, so this is just an extension of that.”

One individual commenting said that he always drives as a female in the F1 games he plays online, so cannot see anything wrong or odd in what Alain and his sister has done. “After all, what is identity these days?” the fellow added.

“I did wonder why Alain, sorry Sheila, didn’t shake the champagne on the winner’s podium. I suppose it was to avoid a wet driving suit moment. It’s great when brother and sister get on so well.” Another well-wisher commented. One over-zealous testosterone-fuelled fan shouted, “Titles out for the lads!” He was quickly subdued by the private bodyguards attending the press conference, and he was escorted to a nearby warehouse and given a wedgie.

However, not everyone was interested in the story; “F1, is that a baby food?” and another by-passer said when asked about their view of the story: “F1, is that a Royal curse?”

The authorities have decided to do nothing to punish Alain or his sister. In fact, they’ve arranged for driving lessons for the millionaire scamp, and are pressing for an F1 licence for Sheila.

CLEAN LIVING

It has been reported that the problems of Angst United’s star earner have an obsession with cleanliness at its root. His current propensity for being sent off early has been identified as a need for him to be first in the showers, using clean, unused soap. A crew of psychologists are hanging on to his celebrity status.

ROY TALKS CRISIS

A bewildered set of international millionaire footballers wended their way, punchline drunk, out of Roy Reluctant’s team talk last month. Apparently, the chipper fellow regaled his troops, on the eve of a promotion play-off match, with a detailed tactics board analysis of the crisis in Somalia.

One of the players, still able to talk at all, emerged from the meeting room and was quoted as saying, “It’s a terrible tragedy we won’t be playing our diamond formation against Stirling Silver next week, as it is what’s got us where we are today.”

Another player, Dil Atory, the Hamlet-like striker, known for his prevaricating in the box before falling on his arras, suggested 60,000 minutes applause for the victims of the crisis.

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BEYOND THE BOUNDS

There was a bit of a kerfuffle at The M&S old course last week. As usual it surrounded the unbelievable antics of Cat Copse, the legendary golfer from the US of A. At the par five, sixth hole, the legend drove in to the woodlands on the leeward side of the dogleg, and it was only with specialist marine vision equipment that his ball was finally located underneath a building.  The golfing world went into paroxysms of grief but the affected occupants of the building were apoplectic. The legend had only gone and ‘lost’ his ball under the prestigious, yet hidden away faculty of The School of Excellence In Ethics.

Under pressure from the corporate sponsors, the local ruling that would have summarily deemed the shot ‘out of bounds’ , had the leading officials of the course making phone calls and then sending an emissary to the front of the faculty building to inform them that the building would have to be moved. Luckily the building is a portacabin, but one tastefully decorated to look ancient, as if ethics and their consideration have been around for a long time.

However, the delay, a whopping two hours, upset a few of the players, and the old lag of a commentator, who because of his advanced years, missed the rest of the legend’s round due to needing his afternoon nap. The veteran Irish golfer, Dan O’Nearly, complained of special treatment for the legend, as he had recently hit a ball underneath a sleeping hedgehog at the recent tournament in Cobh, but he had been ordered to play three from the tee.

Clerk of the course, Wee James Wattwattwatt, defended the action in favour of the legend, saying that without the legend’s presence, life, let alone golf, is not worth playing. The legend went on to finish a distant second to the Spanish ace, Miguel Anglepoiselamp, who, remarkably never went out of bounds once during his four rounds.

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LAST MAN OUT

Moves are afoot to maximise returns on the facilities of a well-known, in esoteric terms, cricket ground. As is done in badminton, there will be multiple games played on the square simultaneously.

Critics have whispered that it is going a little too far but supporters have defended the possible move citing the heightened excitement such a spectacle could produce.

“It’ll look like a 3D platform game, what with the coloured uniforms and the somewhat chaotic running up and down. I like the idea that during each run a batsman takes, he will be expected to pick up a gold token that will give him a DRS judgement on any would-be dismissal.” Said a leading marketing manager.

However, an official of the MCC and ECB said that the spectacle would be, “Like split screened video gaming, and we will have each match properly colour-coded to avoid confusion.”

The last comment is a thinly-veiled reference to the Pilot Games debacle, when Surrey Susceptibles’ captain, Luke Nobung, was caught by two different fielders, one of which was from the other simultaneous game. The umpire, after being dragged away from watching Daytime TV, gave the player out twice, and as a consequence, the Surrey captain was given double his appearance money.

Luke, who only last year said he was a traditionalist, said, “Well, that’s the modern game. It’s what the crowds want. You’ve got to embrace change.” He is available for his next scheduled DD48 clash with Lancashire Lucre, despite being taken into intensive care suffering from severe cliche loss.

This yet further shortened version of cricket is seen as a chance for some has beens to resurrect their earning potential, as a full season of matches can be played in any two week window on the laborious, four-day matches played in whites. One ex-player that will be jumping, albeit slightly lower than in his hay day, is Boris Coaloff, who had made a lucrative but much criticised TV career. He will need to improve his fitness levels however, as he was recently taken off a panel game after suffering cramp due to excessive buzzer pressing.

The single-wicket league will be sponsored by a well-known acid reflux cure company who see the irony in facilitating comebacks that cause sickness and nausea in cricket purists. Most comments about the move have confirmed that this is inevitable if cricket wants to remain an esoteric millionaire’s paradise.