Media Page – Issue 24

TV

More tedious formulaic drivel in Drudge Dead, the bleak look at the the near future. Soon the authorities will hire retired action-film stars to hunt down and slay unionised labour.

The return of THE DILETTANTES hits the fan this month. The two hardened amateur detectives, Brod and Doily, work casually for The Whatever Secret Service. The first episode has them denying their homoerotic relationship as their current employer feels they are vulnerable to bribery and corruption.

CINEMA

DUDE, WHERE’S MY PAYOFF is the latest piece of comedy-propaganda from MCM (Monumental Conglomerate Media) that is getting unprecedented critical backing.

This is a lame tale of a feckless man, Frank Lee seeking redundancy but when it comes he gets no money despite volunteering for it. The tagline is a parody of a great epic’s final line: Frank Lee; “What about my future?”

CEO; “I don’t give a damn, Frank Lee.”

DESPERATELY SEEKING SUSTENANCE is a kitchen warehouse drama that finds Gordon Nads down on his luck as he has to appeal to Food Banks after being sanctioned for getting to a back to work interview seven minutes early. If you are looking for a happy ending then visit Death Row, because this true tale by Kenny Loesch offers only realism.

CRAP SHOOT is a perverse buddy movie in the Hertfordshire countryside. Four or five aristocrats: an American, Aaron Thethird III; a russian oligarch, Boris Callitoff; three englishmen called Reggie Tarpaulin, Oliver Martini and Franz-Fredinand Windsor, have a disappointing weekend hunting peasants.

CONSTANT JAWS is a terrifying tale of the voracious appetite for talking by women of the WI. Some scenes will be upsetting as there are graphic chewing out of absent enemies played out over garden fences in suburbia. “We don’t want the audience to take offence.” says the disclaimer on the poster.

BORES! is another writers’ blockbuster to hit the cinema screens of Lower Standards, Dorset. Just when you thought it was safe to enter into conversation with a stranger.

A small seaside town sheriff is given the task of keeping the beaches safe but when a series of incidents happen, he refuses to warn holidaymakers of the dangers of Bores. These monsters of the superficial creep up on unsuspecting folk at beach kiosks and seafront cafes and give them a good chewing with crashingly dull conversation.

BOOKS

THE EXERCISIST is a bold move to novelise the controversial horror film by Willem S Friedbread. This illustrated novel shows the protagonists making spectres of themselves in leotards so tight you can see their possessions and exoskeletons.

There is also implausible bending over backwards and contortions of the body, along with projectile vomiting aplenty described in the most graphic language by its author Terry Comment.

THEATRE

Another controversial play at The Other Criterion Theatre has playwright Ralf Amsey introduce us to the tragedy that is THE BONETTI SYNDROME. It dramatises  a day of particular carnage when cats were spayed on the streets of Leon, Mexico and the battlers of Britain were completely mullered, coined in Amsey’s inimitable understatement in the line: “There’s many a slip between Jules Rimet Cup and the ninetieth minute.”

ET TU BRUT is a historical epic in which Julian Chooser is betrayed by friends and enemies alike. “There’s a smell of betrayal in the air,” the hapless ruler salesman said just before his demise in Slow March, Cornwall. The final scene has blood splashing all over the audience as his rival salesmen surround him and steal his customer portfolio.

HI KARATE is another historical drama but is somewhat unorthodox. The story of a group of psychedelic martial arts exponents who, on one epic weekend, are so stoned that they forget where and who they are. In this exalted state they proceed to kick each other to death until their leader, Leon Valeris is left to recount the tragedy to police authorities.