Media Page – Issue 23

TV

More tedious formulaic drivel in Drudge Dead, the bleak look at the near future. Soon the authorities will hire retired action-film stars to hunt down and slay unionised labour.

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The TV pilot of the adventures of a man called Tim hits the large home screens.

‘e was earlier than expected out of the womb, four weeks premature to be precise.

‘e was never late for school or work, the latter spent in a watch factory in Dagenham.

‘e was early for each of his three marriages and too early for his first wife, who he caught inflagrante with his boyhood friend.

However, ‘e was late for his own funeral due to traffic on the A-road near the church where he was laid to rest.

A Brief History of Tim will air on Mondays every week until it is stopped.

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CINEMA

The whacky comedy WEEKEND AT BERNIE TORPOR’S is making its emergence at populist cinema outlets throughout the country this month.

The ‘story’ of a lad who is invited to a weekend party with folks who cannot be arsed to do anything from Friday evening to Monday morning.

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WATERBOY is a superhero movie released this month. It is in keeping with austerity measures as this is a superhero whose superpowers are limited to being able to extinguish non-electrical fires. He really needs his sidekick, Powderboy, who can help when a computer catches fire. Also, for those devastating chip-pan flare-ups, the eponymous hero has an asbestos utility blanket. He comes across his nemesis, The Flame, and struggles to put out the mischievous villain.

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BOOKS

REMAINS OF THE DEITY is a historical novel by Georgette Hymen, of a man who no longer genuflects before an ethereal entity. Instead, Mr Anon, replaces the moral and ethical vacuum by devoting himself to serve commerce. He even misses the opportunity for personal happiness when his immediate underling, Tilly Springer, gets the hots for him, but his religious-like devotion to his fascistic master, blinds him to love.

A practical book that has loose pages for those who want to actually make their own luck. FOLD YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS is a wow with audiences and has become a bestseller without actually being on release.

“A triumph of ideological dexterity.” Ciel Bleu Reflexion

“Totally absurd.” Samedi Toujours

“Origami for the optimist.” China Today

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MAGAZINES

TEDIUM WEEKLY is a monthly magazine where workers send in their hair-raising and jolly experiences of the modern workplace.

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THEATRE

The radical play called CLOSURE, written by committee, ended its run last week as the theatre was closed when the curtain came down.

It was a groundbreaking piece that encapsulated a new genre of theatre called Reality Theatre. The audience was treated to the drama of closure as the actors were builders merchants, council officials and bailiffs who carried out their roles with uncanny realism. The denouement of the ceremony of the handover of the keys brought tears to the eyes of the audience, by now on the pavement outside the theatre.

“A moving experience inside and outside the boundaries of realist drama.” Council minutes

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GAMES

New AGE OF NEEDLECRAFT is out now.

Embroider a peace settlement. Go point to point with an enemy. Game consultants all graduates of the Needlepoint Macrame academy in West Virginia.

NB: Addiction rating for this game is Class A. Tactical crocheting included.

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REET* GRAND THEFT TROLLEY makes an appearance on the market.

Realistic graphics; you’ll think yourself in the car park of your favourite supermarket. How many trolleys can you lift in the time it takes a generic shopper to serve themselves? Real virtual shopping centres to creep through. Stunning sound effects so that you will even feel and hear the difference between a proud coin and store token in any trolley you heist.

*Made in northern England but with fully customisable regional patois from Land’s End to John O’Groats.