News Real 9 – Issue 22

YES SIRE

There is further development of ultra-modern positions vacant in the realm of Yeshire.

Zero hours ‘contracts’ on offer from employers that have a zero tolerance policy on unit cost and Human Resources. People can step back in time to the good old dark ages and enjoy the simple life with no complicated tax thresholds to calculate, no troublesome direct debit arrangements.

Prospective employees can get a Beck & Call application for your mobile given free* at the point of contact. The prospective victim/client will not get bored with the same routine of steady work tenure. Also the successful supplicant will be awarded free HD surround-sound BlueRay copies of On The Waterfront as a kind of training film to inform about the great opportunity for varied and uninteresting indenture.

These ultra-modern opportunities should not be missed† by progressive realists. Chicken George recommends this modernity. “They use you really well but give you the freedom to starve if you try to escape such rich (sorry, no pun intended) opportunity. Mass, save on producing physical chains by unsophisticated indoctrination, thereby saving more money. It’s great to see the co-operation between public and private servility as, for every penny the employer doesn’t contribute, the public purse contributes the lot to the kind of agencies that facilitate career opportunities for the modern slave.”

*Actual cost £10/month for a compulsory 18 months contract.

†If you fail to accept an offer of a job you will be starved out for a period of time designated by your government as suitable punishment for your feckless insistence on legitimate choice.

PUSH AND PULL

In other news, a previously underemployed man was pulled apart by two competing job agencies. The fortunate fellow was heard to make a wish just before tearing down the middle as Slavish Tendencies Inc and Serf’s Up plc both vigorously vied for the lad’s services.

Both saviours of mankind denied accusations of ruthless pursuit of targets that caused this accident. Neither agency has claimed responsibility, citing instead the hapless fellow as not being made of good enough genetic material for the modern world. It was later revealed that both paragons of entrepreneurship could in fact declare they had placed the client/customer in a position and could claim their placement fee from the public purse.

A spokesperson for the agencies – the MP for MakinghaywhilethesungoesdownonBritianplc – who just happens to be a non-executive director of both, said, “Whilst our condolences go out to the fellow’s family over losing a low earner, we stand by our policy for growth in the economy driven by the privates sector.”