News Real 5 – Issue 22


There was evidence of political progress in a sometimes well-known north-eastern town, when in the latest by-election, a Chimpanzee was voted in as their MP despite the national hung parliament.

“He’s a damned sight more honest than the previous incumbent and he doesn’t touch himself as much. He’s also a great nitpicker in debate.” said a happy voter of the town.

The new MP’s campaign mantras were: “Greater representation for all primates,” “Many a good hanging prevents a Tory or so-called Liberal Democrat getting voted in,” and, “I want to be seen as a Chimpanzee of the People.”


Results of a study by Dr Fred Sangfroid, a leading member of The Koch Institute in Burbank CA, has revealed that there is an unconscious negative impulse in the modern human being. It is a complex complex that sees even young males trying to grow their pension prematurely and damaging their ability to see reality. Bombarded by media, these alfalfa males are obsessing about their pensions.

People need to treat this complex issue by issue and they can’t fall down, the eminent doctor said with a gleam in his eye. It is no good thinking about mother’s way of dealing with money and then applying it to the market. Also, pension enlargement plans are poppycock; they are full of asterisks. No-one should take asterisks with your future. There is some evidence that this complex  stems from the transition from when, as children, people could open and close their own Post Offices, and now, when they begin to realise it is government at the behest of corporations that control deposits, withdrawals and purchasing of post-it notes, the sufferer retreats inside their self and begins to resent their disenfranchisement. Also, when they realise the ridiculous amount of vendors of a happy future retirement, all of whom are only interested in upfront monies with the underlying economic truth of instability for sufferers identifying those with already lucrative deals – politicians, royalty and even those well-to-do proletarians who benefitted from times of well-paid, well-serviced schemed jobs, jobs that have albut disappeared.

Another key element in this complex is the slippery slope of economic inevitability that is leading to a passive acceptance that future generations will have to partake in a kind of lottery, not even a quiz programme, to not even ensure a pension. Also, with governments abandoning agreements made with voting populaces to deliver living pensions, the sense of betrayal of any tenets of a representative democratic system only adds to the condition of Pension Envy.

Further complications ensue when sufferers subconsciously desire to be like mother, who seems to be better placed to enjoy retirement, thus rejecting father who, in the eyes of sufferers, is emasculated by economic circumstance and does little or nothing to improve conditions in which Pension Envy grows. This position is, of course, based on gender fallacy of potential pension earnings based on a nostalgia for more stable economic conditions before advanced corporate capitalism.

A deeper aspect of Pension Envy is found in the Homo-eroticism of the financial sector with the ups and downs, the ins and outs and the flamboyant gesturing of the stock markets appealing to a revisionist libido that defines its self by adaptability rather than more rigid columnar desires for supremacy in a hotbed of activity. The hole-in-the-wall exchanges that can be perpetrated in the dark appeal to the fundamental urbanised, mechanised neophyte urges of the modern human being that fulfils the sensual desires of busy kinetic organisms that would otherwise acknowledge the utter emptiness of their lives.

Critics have dismissed the findings as mere intellectual masturbation but overlook the essence of all this so-called activity in the modern world. In response to these criticisms the last word is with Dr Sangfroid, “When you are using your digits to merely depress buttons or market values of rival bankers, you lose all feeling for other organisms. You become a member of the human race covered in a skin that actually keeps you from touching your own desire for closeness to significant others in any sensual realm. To look constantly to a future condition of material comfort whilst ignoring the present possibilities of love, sex and sense of true belonging is setting one’s self up for a monumental anti-climax. The short-term explosions of financial dealing cannot take the place of longer developing and more sustaining pleasures of life itself. This is why Pension Envy is a form of self-denial in that it seeks fulfilment where there is too little to properly satisfy the complex needs of sentient beings estranged from their father-figure, the banks.”