News Real 4 – Issue 22

GET TICKETS FOR THE SMASH HIT TOUR OF THE CONCEPT ALBUM BY OXBOW-LAKEN-PALMOIL.

NO MAN IS AN ISLAND-RACE BUT LIFE STILL MAKES YOU WANT TO SPIT.

Track Listing:

● Our Love Moves Like a Glacier  ● Silt Crazy After All This Erosion ● No Mountain To Climb (You Were No Longer  Inclined) ● Our Contours Were Too Far Apart ● Avalanche With Me One Last Time ● Plateau Full Of Debris ● On The Edge Of A Pressing Piss ● I Have To Leave This Little Tarn ● Loving You From A Farm ● Scars On My Terrain ● No Moraine (I Can’t Rake It Any More) ● Trail Of Tariffs.   Ticket prices from £20 to £60. The latter includes a foursome with the band.

UNSCHEDULED PROGRAMME

A man entered the ITV Saturday Night Programming Studio primed with an idea. The building was quickly cleared and negotiators were trying to talk him out of exploding his conceptual device.

There was a scary moment when a politician tried to distract him with cliche and rhetoric but the man soon smelled a rat and had to be reassured that no-one else would try to storm him with Soporific Asinine Speeches.

The viewers’ vote was 70/30 against the man’s cause. The siege is still ongoing despite the best efforts of a satirist to defuse the situation with knowing laughter.

STUPID CULTURE

At The Lyceumcoming Theatre last month, Osborno the Grate revealed his latest efficient routine to a more than puzzled audience.

Using a voiceover Osborno instructed his audience to conduct all the tricks, through which some of the participants lost money. The trick where the participant cut up legal tender notes and saw them appear in Osborno’s pocket, never to be retrieved, galled many present to witness it.

“It’s one thing to be coerced into doing the tricks ourselves, then to lose even more money doing them, well that takes the biscuit.” said one particularly irate customer. “The only saving grace is that the ticket price is tax deductible, and I believe there was a whip-round enacted outside the theatre where a number of bums and proles were tapped up for a charitable contribution. So equilibrium restored, so to speak.” she added.

Osborno’s specialism was to pull a deficit out of a top hat, a trick that never fails to impress audiences despite its shocking impact on them.

RATS GRATIA RATS

Leonard Convinci has been appointed as new art Tsar by the government, which has struggled to place this friend of the family due to his inability to understand anything real.

The government has denied this is a new quango and have backed Mr Convinci’s remit to oversee the PR involved in presenting art as valuable. “The A is capitalist and is essential for assessing those struggling millionaires perpetrating concept art in a modern materialistic world. We are trying to protect the productivity of an elite group of artists dependent on patronage for their reputation as radical thinkers.” a spokesperson for the government said last week.

VOTE GRATIA VOTE: A PHONEY WAR

37% of 65.7% that voted* (DEMOCRACY) versus 99% of 99% that voted (DICTATORSHIP)

*Voted out of lack of authentic choice and the illogical imperative that the vote, being the only political input for the proletariat, is the sole activist gesture we can make every five years, excepting coalitions that can choose to extend an interim ‘mandate’ into a five-year term without further ‘consultation’ with the hapless, hopeless electorate that voted with severe doubts and a fatalism borne of coerced cynicism. A cynicism that accepts the leader will enact its, and its socio-economic class cohorts’ wishes, in spite of popularity and fairness in civil and political law.

Voted out of love for those leaders who ‘do not shrink from a fight (with its electorate) and are ‘conviction politicians’ and ‘do what they think is right’ and, of course fear of political persecution if holding a view contrary to the political leader of the country.