News Real 10 (Pelting) – Issue 22

PELTING

There’s a new phenomenon sweeping through the entire globe, obviously at different stages of development as the world is not a homogenous place, that is freeing people up from the grind that is corporatist progress, so-called.

Pelting is very simple and very liberating. No equipment is needed to carry out this uncomplicated and corporate-resistant exercise. At the centre of this movement to be free and healthy in holistic ways is a small dog called Alfie, who his owners say has indicated, through a complex series of communications, that it is most important to have your peace of mind above anything else in life.

We managed to interview a leading Psychiatrist, Dr. Lester Worryabout, who gave us his insight into Pelting.

“It appeals at a carnal and ‘eternal yarp’ level as it is simple and frees us from the mental and physical constraints of modern coercive politics. It also takes us back to our childhood when actions spoke louder than political rhetoric. To pelt at great speeds makes us instantly unaware of the awful nature of modern life that denudes us of our human dignity in pursuit of the inequitable squalor of so-called democracies and lands of freedom and choice. Pelting can be done in any space at any time without impacting on the environment which releases us from the damaging guilt of merely being alive. Pelting subverts the cost-efficient anal-retentive reductiveness of economics and allows you to work up a sweat without worrying about the social embarrassment of your own body. It has so many liberating aspects and doesn’t need any technological aid to enact. I hope this gives you a good explanation of this wonderful phenomenon: Now I have to pelt!”

He was gone before we could thank him for his comments and further explore the teeth-clenched, water-rippling snarl that accompanies Pelting. This behavioural quirk has fascinated many exponents and watchers of Pelting. We again tried asking the ‘guru’ of Pelting, Alfie (aka Lord Alphonsus of The Market Town of Guisborough II) but he merely turned away, gave his genitalia a good seeing to before pelting around the room.

Worryingly, there are some factions of the corporate mind-set muscling in on this movement for freedom. Already there is an instructional application for mobile phones that uses the smallest MP4 file yet. The simplicity of Pelting is illustrated perfectly ironically by this application as the audio lasts barely two seconds and consists of the single instruction to…GO!

This audio has been translated into many languages across the globe: Fr: Allez!; Ger: Schnell!; It: Avanti!; Ser: Ajmo!; Sp: Ir!; Wel: Mynd!; Swe: Gå! to name just a few.

There are even classes for Pelting cropping up that have Jack Russell terriers as instructors. This little tyke of a dog can help Pelters perfect their snarl pre- and during their pelting. There are some people saying that taking instruction is undermining the personal expressiveness from Pelting, so advocate doing the activity and snarling without self-consciousness.

Some political authorities around the world are embracing Pelting as a palliative to those having the vote but who realise the futility of its so-called value. In some places, rioting has reduced due to official Pelting areas. Concrete or rubberised matting has been provided for urban Pelters, while CCTV cameras have taped the phenomenon. The tapes are then uploaded to TV so millions can laugh and be inspired to partake of Pelting.

There are even moves to get the word established as a verb to replace the clumsier term ‘fun running’. Lithuania have Pelt for Life, Luxembourg has Pelt Aid, and Britain has Royal Society for Pelting. Again, some advocates of the purity of Pelting have boycotted and protested at the commercial exploitation of Pelting but after a good Pelt, their dissent dissipated.

Health & Safety executives have severely criticised Pelting but were shown short-shrift by proponents of the activity who merely ran rings round them at full pelt, thus reducing any objections to the level of party-poopers and an inferred criticism of their inability to authentically enjoy themselves. After being given footage of Alfie, the Pelting guru, practising his art, even these stiff-collared executives saw the beautiful wisdom of Pelting.

There are some followers of Pelting that encourage the art as a means of overcoming the growing lethargy of modernity by chanting the mantra, “Don’t just sit there twittering, pelt!”