Over the Hill at 60? Down in the Vale of Joblessness? Don’t Despair … Climb Out into a New Realm of Awesome Opportunity. There are Special Positions Out There for You NOW!
Based upon some research and limited survey data from Deirdre Spitz-Morrash of the Cenale Entropy Institute of Accumulated Detritus, here are ten excitingly Awesome jobs readily available for Sixty-plusers!
SIMIAN GROOMER – It’s a fascinating job allowing you to become closer to Nature and its ways, as well as expanding your chance for lively social interaction. Be the first to apply! (Note: Simian bonding has been cited as the latest dynamic advance in networking.)
NAVEL LINT RECLAIMER – Break into the exciting world of hazardous waste management! With limitless supplies of material to be reclaimed, your position is virtually guaranteed to be recession proof!
SOCIAL MEDIA SABOTEUR – Make a societal contribution by hacking, and disrupting Facebook, Twitter, and all texting addictions. Enjoy the sociopathic rush of stopping the incessant and witless trafficking in social media numbskullery!
FABRICATED EMOTION PRESENTER – Fill the endless need in the 24/7 news cycle to react tearfully, mindlessly, and fecklessly to the latest concocted calamity on the cable networks. (Note: Must be able to erupt in crocodile tears on cue.)
SENIOR REDUCTION IN FORCE (RIF) COORDINATOR – Join the burgeoning field of “riffing” fellow seniors from business at all levels. It’s been done to you, so get buzzed by doing it to them. (Note: Special skills in crafting “pink slip” emails are required.)
DEGENERATION CELEBRANT – There’s no need for special training or certification. You’ll embrace the downside of life by celebrating inexorable decline to your cohort! (Note: This may be primarily a volunteer-level position.)
LIFE-STYLE COACH – You’ll serve the pressing need to advise decision-challenged codgers when to choose that first Greek Fisherman’s cap to adorn their clueless noggins, or to don that first pair of “camo” shorts, as well as counseling on the precise moment to begin droning on about one’s medical deficiencies and other such critical life-altering decisions. (Note: Any indicator of pragmatic wisdom may be a distinct disadvantage for this role.)
INCONTINENCE THERAPY COUNSELOR – Provide spiritual support to your age-bound colleagues who spray their way through life. Exhort them to take pride and “be in a good place” mentally, if not exactly sitting in one physically!
LINGUISTIC TUTOR – Fill the pressing need to instruct and guide recently “riffed” Seniors to the culturally “rad” mainstream lingo of “dumbed-down” youth who just took their jobs. Tutor and attune them to the scintillating verbiage of “What-ever, like, I’m totally weirded, Dude,” which will be useful for future interaction, or even a possible interview. Counsel on the critical use of “What Up?” as a social ice-breaker.
UPBEAT PROSELYTIZER – Likely the most awesomely awesome role in the realm of employment Awesomeness. You’ll exude positivity from every bodily orifice and be adored for it! (Caution: Winning personalities only — No non-smiley-faced poopsters need apply!)
So, Get Out of that Funk! Contact us Today! We Can Hook You Up with These Awesome Opportunities NOW!!!
Awesome Opportunities Limited
505 Ripoff Lane
Las Vegas, Nevada 89118
Notes: 1) Finder’s fees will be assessed for all Awesome job inquiries; 2)Awesome and Awesome Opportunities are the putative trademarks of Awesome Opportunities Limited (litigation pending).…Further Notes: 3) Cenale Entropy Institute is jointly funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services and National Public Radio; 4) Ms. Spitz-Morrash’s wardrobe is furnished by Pretty Damn Good Butch Fashions; Las Vegas, NV.
(SUBVERTISEMENT CREATED BY MICHAEL LOHAFER – An FOI.)