News Real – Issue 21

BREAD AND CIRCUITRY

In order to maximise their performances, all circuses have trained their animals to carry receptacles in which they can receive donations from the paying audience. Even the Bearded Lady in the Funfair has successfully applied for a charity number, and encourages the paying audience to wedge coins and notes in her facial growth.

It seems at the moment the most successful members are the monkeys, who are more dextrous in holding a number of tins, cups and buckets in which they collect charitable contributions.

NB: State circuses have all been privatised and certain animals have second jobs in the service industries. Parrots have been trained to be members of call centres and lions are now debt collectors. Clowns are now moonlighting for private agencies, replacing state job centres as providers of opportunities to entertain the privileged in their society.

COURTING DISASTER

A man, one of twins, is filing for damages. The accused is his twin, Saul, who, Cecil Bank claims, deprived him of vital sustenance in the womb, and as a consequence made him the small-minded twerp he is today.

In a thankfully unprecedented case, Cecil is going to use character witnesses to give evidence of his callousness, his unfeeling self-absorption and disregard for others that Cecil claims is a direct result of his twin, Saul, who was one pound bigger and so  polite he was an hour younger, sucked of the milk of human kindness leaving him, Cecil, devoid of compassion and any ability to love.

Saul, a well-beloved citizen of Friendly Gulch, Arkansas, offered to settle out of court but Cecil refused, demanding instead that he gets all that Saul has. Saul is a wheat farmer and is devotedly married to Ellie-Mae, and they have two well-rounded children. Cecil is even going to cite this incident as evidence of the unevenness of the acquisition of the milk of human kindness.

The case should be an interesting philosophical trial but one which we hope Cecil cannot win, even given the remarkably dextrous semantics of law and the context-specific court environment.

MONEY MAD MAGAZINE HITS THE INTERNET

A new magazine has hit the internet. Wangling Times is aimed at the new breed of entrepreneurs who, the editorial states, want to rise above the growing mass of highly educated serfs and to see their modern desperation as business opportunity.

In the first issue they interview a number of leading politicians who, for a large consultancy fee, give advice on the methodology of democratic fleecing and squeezing of the would-be working proletariat.

There is a satirical nature piece on Nest-Egg building that claims Darwinism provides an explanation of how being rich is a manifestation of natural selection at work. This is followed by a perversely fascinating article positing the theory that there is no such thing as greed. Included is a short treatise on meekness as an unnatural condition and far too taxing to be useful.

The editorial expounds the zeitgeist of being only online, citing the existence of too much paperwork still, despite having resources to albut eradicate such archaic means of communication. Also, the philosophy of ease of changing the past online, with the modern propensity for short-term memory lending itself to such controlling practises being much more effective. There is, according to the only quasi-liberal voice in the magazine, a caveat of how given this situation, subversives can use printed media to short-circuit the benevolent structures of political and social control of risk. It is pointed out however that such communications take longer than folks, even highly politicised opponents, are willing to wait.

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