News Real – Issue 21

BACK BREAKING WORK

Archeologist Herman Inchoate has found fossil evidence of Radical Unions. A trail of information in the shape of the spine of a vertebrate has been uncovered in an old mine shaft in the north east of England.

“From what we have unearthed so far, we can postulate that once upon a time there were political ideologies with clear backbones that helped the working-class stand upright to challenge the political powers of the day.” Inchoate was heard to mutter under his breath, so as not to be heard by agents of the government.

To his credit union, Inchoate is self-funded after his research grant was cut by his local council.

“We don’t want such rubbish bringing up as we must suppress any remaining doubt as to the reality of the corporate project.” Mr Joan Mendicant added, “The past isn’t what it seems, look at all those voluntary redundancies during the miner’s picnic of 1984/85.”

Inchoate disputes this revision of history and points to the modern invertebrate unions that accept all that’s said of history, the present and consequently the future. This specimen he’s discovered clearly marks the point at which the break comes in the Union movement.

“We’ll not see their like again.” said a somewhat disconsolate archeologist, from the bottom of his pit.

SCHOOL DAZE

Local education colleges are now offering diplomas in General Buffoonery, which will replace English and Politics on the HE curricula. The cost of the course is £800 per week, which the college spokesman said makes it readily available to everyone.

There’s a particular module that will systematically undo any formal educational progress made and replace this knowledge with a propensity to performance stupidity and blokeishness. a special salon is housed in the faculty building with the aim of creating the style of unkempt outrageousness and apparent carelessness in appearance.

“We are looking to produce graduates as precursors of a wave of privileged buffoonery as a means of appearing radical, earthy and casually progressive, in the absence of any serious logic and consistency of argument.”

This course is mostly funded by the taxpayer but sponsored by the All-New Olympic 2012 Committee (entrepreneurial arm).

WORKING PROTECTION

SHIFTING, SANDS & AMPERSAND, the old insurance agents guarantee to protect anyone from being wrongly accused of inefficiency and low productivity. The firm used to do wrongful dismissal but the political reality has changed so that they cannot vouchsafe such grounds on which you might be dismissed. Mr Shifting, the senior partner, is a revisionist and moves with the political zeitgeist as written by the lawgivers.

Mr Sands looks at the minutae of each case and strives to treat all the same before the law. Mr Ampersand is a stoic and attempts to defend your corner on an ‘as is’ basis. You can depend on diligent, thorough and fastidious protection from and by the law. However, there is a caveat on what ever form the law takes at time of sign up, and accommodates any change the powerbrokers and their lackeys, the politicians may make to laws and protocols covering Industrial Relations, based on the current needs of the private, commercial business community.

SCHOOL FOR SCATS

Children as young as four years old will be taught Ology in all schools from next year.

The circular, self-serving logic of the lost and unfounded will be part of language learning. The picture boards with the traditional images of apples, balloons, and zebra will be replaced with the likes of: A for acceptance; B for best; C for compliance and commitment; D for deference; E for entrepreneurial excellence; F for opportunity to give success another try; G for genuflection; O for obeisance; S for simpering and T for Timidity.

The curriculum will emphasise the need to accept rather than question and intends to cloud the difference between idea and material reality. They will be encouraged to look at things superficially and see the question mark as a mere rhetorical and grammatical symbol.

Certain place names have been changed, eg: Hay-on-Wye will be become Hay-on-How.

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