News Real – Issue 20

LATEST SCIENTIFIC NEWS

Apparently, a group of Christian Scientists have revealed their discovery of The Particle Of Faith. After years of experiment and prayer the devout group have finally made their work pay. The research was done in a reverential little room in the catacombs of an unnamed city – for tax purposes – wherein they and their followers consistently collided with avid Secularists. They were engaged in trying to find out what happened before the Big Theological Barney. Recently people living close to The One Collider as it has become known, heard a massive sound as big as the voice of The Almighty. Critics have derided the work in progress as a pointless exercise to find something that doesn’t exist, namely The Good Particle. The defenders of the faith have always countered that it is important to find out what matters by investigating the spaces between everything that means it is more than nothing.

It is still unknown what exactly can be done with the new knowledge.

LANDFILL, THE NEXT GENERATION?

Andrew Putrid says that in the not too distant future, lifeforms will emerge from the foetid slime and mulch of landfill sites.

Mr Putrid posits that given the exponential speeding up of the pace of development, even our rubbish will produce something much quicker than old evolutionary processes. This counters critics who say it would take too long for any organic lifeforms to emerge.

Mr Putrid has experimented with certain foodstuffs; letting them rot and become rancid and he says has evidence that new embryonic organisms have developed, especially in breakfast cereals.

REVELATION

We’ve found this ‘subtitle’ inferred headline in a newspaper:

PRIVATE COMPANY PUTS PROFITS BEFORE SERVICE AND CONSIDERATION OF PEOPLE.

This came from The Daily Naive. The really amazing thing is our surprise at such behaviour given the often posited ‘truism’ that we as a species are motivated entirely by money. A significant element of this scenario is that we are living in an age of advertising and PR rhetoric designed to promote the conflicting ideas that we can trust private enterprise to deliver goods and services of high quality and caring, whilst being told that the sole point of reference is wealth creation with a ruthlessness that precludes those values of caring and interest in what people really want let alone need.

PASSING THE BUCK

After the Lord Mayor’s Show, the government has laid out plans to encourage communication towards the Big Society through a School ball sharing scheme.

Regional balls will be passed between education authorities to save an extra £755.55 per year, which will help in reducing the £1.3 trillion pounds public debt.

The public schools will not be part of this scheme because they are full of balls yet are only expected to take up their socially and politically appointed places in society without needing to kick, slap, racquet or bounce balls with any special alacrity or skill.

JOBS FOR THE GHOULS

The government right-wing think-tank, Workgroup Assembling New Kinetic Enervated Rapacious Slaves, has come up with an idea to boost the economy. The right wingers have put their work experience together to formulate a plan to set up private Haunting Employment Agencies.

They will be manned by practiced mediums and psychics who will oversee a back to work campaign for those passed away. What’s more it will be voluntary-compulsory for those work-shy cadavers and unquieted spirits who thought death was their retirement from any world of exploitative commerce. Any worker from the other side will have their next of kin’s benefits stopped if they refuse to haunt. Poltergeists will be given extra training to hone their skills for moving things around, some will be targeted as extra cleaning staff to replace the annoyingly real full-time, part-time physical entities that expect holidays and such nonsense. One placement they cannot expect is stacking shelves in any major supermarket outlet.

It was said, through one of the mediums at the first back-to-work seance that there were howls of delight from the poltergeists at not having to haunt and stack supermarket shelves.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *