Mini Ads – Issue 20

GAMING

IPud for sale. Giving up on mind-fattening and will accept any good offer.

Ex-Box for sale. This mass of cardboard was once a proud carton before it was broken down at a molecular level to make it easy for P&P.

Pheasants for sale. Can be kept as pets or for food. Are docile enough to provide easy targets for anyone with a double-barrelled shotgun.

JOBS

A cleaner is required urgently for the Mars probe. Successful beggar will provide own overalls, cleaning materials  and travelling expenses. This opportunity does not comply with National Minimum Wage as the cost of living on the planet, at the moment, is non-existent.

Olympic Legacy Tsar vacancy.

Sorry but this post has been awarded to a friend of the PM and fellow conservative without advertising.

Peasants for sale. Only conglomerates and charities need apply for workforces provided for benefits only.

OUTDOORS

The Sarcophagus tent is now available in seventy new colours. Beat the proposed berth tax and get this snug, single camping accessory, Sleep as financially soundly as an ancient ruler. Only £99.

PLUMBING

Getting that sinking feeling? Call Handel’s to soothe your watery problems.

Mind-boggling range of tap washers and u-bends for the modern ablution experience.

All blockages removed with a turn of a skilled wrist.

No job too small, even provide maintenance for budgie drinking devices.

DECORATING

Sick of flowers on your wallpaper? Shakespeare’s will plot a whole ensemble for your needs. No need to make a drama out of redecorating.

Even hand-drawn wallpaper commissions undertaken.

Will also do onomatopoeic slip-slap painting jobs, done in safety masks (to protect the identity of our decorating troupe) if required.

MILITARY HARDWARE

Ground to Air Missile for sale: £1.7 million ono. One careful owner, never used.

Knock ‘em dead value.

Easy to pay credit terms. £200,000 per month for 17 months. 7000% APR.

No credit checks required. Instant possession. No P&P charges.

MONEY

Car insurance for pedestrians. Low premium for non-driving licence holders.

Call Pointless Insurance plc now.

MISCELLANEOUS

A moving sale at the local racecourse in Wincanton.

All items emotionally loaded with sentimental value. Shop with care.

MAGICAL REMOVERS will clear your furniture in seconds with the waving of a wand.

No more slow, inefficient pantechnicons. Just stand back and applaud as MR make items disappear only to make them appear in your new home. No distance too far.

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