News Real – Issue 19

POLITICAL TRAIN OF THOUGHT

“We are sorry to announce that the economic recovery is delayed by at least a generation. We are very sorry for any inconvenience this may cause to your life journey. Please listen for further pronouncements.”

 

UNSUNG ZERO

The megastar musician and composer A Paul Ingwealth has come up with another regrettable ditty. The doctors of his last audience had prescribed detox but the lad will not give it up. It’s a working title, even though it doesn’t work for me, but he named it Rotweiler’s Chorus. It promises to be yet another lucrative dog from the King of puerile doggerel. The first draft earned him a cruel £100k.

 

EH, PRIME MINISTER

In a recent speech, the PM Dave ‘transparency’ C-Moron, broke a record for the rhetorical repetition of key words and catchphrases with fewest conjunctives and least semantic cohesion. In giving ‘evidence’ to the Select Committee for Public Accounts, he was clocked as saying the word ‘Transparency’ seventeen times, the word, ‘Accountability’ sixteen times, the catchphrase ‘Value for Money for the Taxpayer’ and ‘Best Practice’ fifteen times each. The number of conjunctives and other terms that might be semantically clarifying to anyone listening were less than sixty. He and his ilk seem to be waging a war of their own on meaning something when delivering ‘evidence’ of their actions in running the country into the hands of private wealth.

 

EVOLVING UNEMPLOYMENT

In an effort to get an advantage in the incredibly shrinking jobs market, Richard Rat has had pouches grafted onto his cheek by jowls.

“It works best for eradicating the need to go for lunch. It even works if you are on a phone as you can store your food in the pouches and still avoid the embarrassment of taking a call just as you’ve bitten into your sandwich or healthy options salad.”

The CBI said, “Now that’s what we call ingenuity and willingness to compromise the outdated notion of humanity to further the project of commercialisation of the human organism.”

A pilot scheme for intravenous drip lunches had to be shelved on Health & Safety grounds due to too many tubes.

 

A BEDROOM FARCE

A woman was in court last month, appealing against the imposition of yet another ‘Feudal’ tax.  The new bedroom tax aimed at attacking the already stretched resources of the beleaguered class meant that the woman was arguing that she lived with her alter-ego who was using the so-called excess bedroom.

The counter claim stated a doctor’s report which explained how Sybil Ant was clinically ‘beside herself’, which, of course, means that she and her alter-ego actually shared the one bed, thereby making the other palpably spare.

Sybil asked the court if the Queen would be billed for all her spare bedrooms.

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