News Real – Issue 19

SPEAK UNEASY

There’s a strange case of a fellow who, merely by opening his mouth and beginning to speak, can make people disappear. Firstly, it was only those he directly addressed but it quickly expanded to involve innocent bystanders overhearing his conversation.

Early diagnoses have suggested Halitosis Absurdum, but that didn’t account for those merely overhearing and not within breathing distance.

A special order has been obtained to censure him from speaking. People he spoke to turned up in another part of the building they were in but outside, confused persons found themselves in another postcode suddenly. Many were often compelled to use public transport to return to the place where they had been before he’d spoken at them or talked near them.

Tests are continuing with the hapless lad and early findings suggest that it is in fact the content of his speech rather than the simple act of speaking that is the base of the problem. He is being advised to reduce his lexicon, his register and truncate his language. He resisted this project as he insisted that what he had to say required full words and it seemed a waste not to pay attention to expressing himself through such a vast and rich resource for communication. There are still anomalies being investigated that indicate different effects for different people that place the onus on those receiving rather than the lad himself.

The most extreme case was of a person who was able to communicate from the alternate reality the fellow’s speech had sent them to, and they had found a real job that paid decent wages and paid more than lip-service to their humanity. This report is unconfirmed and many scientists and political commentators simply do not believe such outlandish possibilities.

For now, the lad is compelled to use an electronic device to communicate with people until his ailment can be fully identified and eradicated. Further research is hopeful of unearthing the chatter-gene, and investigate the lexico-semantics area of the brain to see how such dysfunction is carried along even healthy synapses.

Also, if the money lasts, research will try to find out why we talk at all when electronic sounds  seem to suffice to communicate in certain contexts.

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