News Real – Issue 18


A woman in Cheadle Hulme was sacked in favour of a fifty-pound note. The company said that the money works much harder than her in terms of wealth creation.


You can certainly see the impact of technology in the modern workplace as all over the open-plan factories you can see so many downcast by the podload.


The minister for Internal Organs has come up with a strategy for reducing alcohol intake for those under five feet seven.

With these people having less physical resistance to drunkenness (BMI to % proof), the minister is seeking to save them from themselves as NHS dependants.

His slogan runs on the axiom, “We need to set the bar high.”


Raleigh K Innes was sine-died from the Hung Too Low Bridge Club in Kensington after an unsavoury incident at the table of Montmorency  D’Artagnon.

The aristocrat and bridge expert was kept in suspense by Innes when on the verge of Adverse Vulnerability.

Innes was unrepentant saying, “It’s the first time that chinless wonder has felt anything in his life.”


Harpo Marxist was ejected from the House. This month the MP for Silent Comedy was thrown out of the House when it was discovered that the Rt Amusing Gentleman had cut the pockets of both the government and the opposition attendees in order to attempt a redistribution of wealth.

In interview the unrepentant Marx Brother, honked out a statement that read, “This is the only way and besides I only collected £25 in real money but £100K in expense claim dockets.”

He’s expected to resume his seat without his oversized scissors and on the proviso he leaves his horn with the Speaker of the House. Although as a concession, the MP has been allowed his harp as these are the least influential strings he can pull in politics.


“Mind the gap between the train and the platform,” was the announcement immediately following an announcement that the train due was cancelled.

Logically this introduces the idea that the gap this mechanical voice spoke of was in fact about twenty to twenty-five minutes, or anything from five to thirteen miles, depending on where the next train was setting off from.

Either way anyone would have to admit that the gap was so substantial that advice on caution to be taken was somewhat spurious, unless of course you take into account the cause and effect universe that can include the possibility of so many mishaps in such a large gap between train and platform.

The throng of people waiting certainly did mind the gap.


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