AN INTERVIEW WITH: JOSEPH OF NAZARETH
Eds: Well, Joe, how does it feel to be the daddy of them all?
Joe: That’s a bold claim for someone as humble as myself, but if you say so then I feel fantastic…
Eds: Really. You didn’t mind coming home one day and finding your virgin wife pregnant all of a sudden?
Joe: Why should I. I always believed in the goodness of the Lord, and like you today I too believe ‘it could be you’. I believed in God’s luck working in mysterious ways.
Eds: Weren’t you a little disappointed to be surrogate father of a child without the five minutes of fun that goes into making it?
Joe: Not at all. I didn’t marry Mary for her sexual prowess, I loved her platonically and would never have thought of going against God’s wishes. I mean, imagine history if it was reported by a saint that a child was born to a couple in Bethlehem in the most ordinary way known to mankind? Wouldn’t have even made the tabloids.
Eds: So, what did you say when you found Mary pregnant?
Joe: Well, to be honest, I shouted, ‘Stone The Crows’, which I didn’t quite realise how intimidating that may have sounded to Mary. Although after a nervous second or two, we both began to laugh heartily. We had that kind of relationship.
Eds: Just what did you make of the throng that attended little Christ’s birth?
Joe: Mary was obviously startled, couldn’t stop her crying all night but Jesus, the little lamb of god, was as good as Frankincense, slept like a baby all through.
Eds: What did you say to the wise men?
Joe: I asked them why they had to bring stuff that was, to the lad, impractical and so symbolically enigmatic. A baby grow and some teething rings might have been better. They, however, would have none of it. They insisted that they were wise and that their gifts represented the best for the lad. Although, to this day, and this is coming from someone who knew nothing then, I don’t know the significance of such stupid gifts. After a while I lost my cool and shouted, ‘No Myrrh, we’ve all had enough!”
Eds: But the gold, that must have been useful?
Joe: As an investment maybe, after all it was just standard gold and a bugger to keep polished. Mary spent so much time stopping Jesus from trying to put it in his mouth: you know what babies are like.
Eds: And the Frankincense and Myrrh?
Joe: Well, these at least kept the place smelling nice. We were really worried for Jesus’s upbringing, considering he spent his birth and early days smelling animal droppings and the sweat of wise men worrying over worshipping the right man, so to speak, so these aromatic fragrances were a great leap forward. After all, I was out at work most of the time and I felt bad for Mary and the lad being at home. I welcomed the place smelling nice.
Eds: How did you feel about dying before Jesus became notorious?
Joe: Well, I took it with a pinch of salt, and although I didn’t like it, I didn’t have a lot of choice about it did I? At least I wasn’t turned into a pillar of salt, but then I never looked back, I just worked hard and was repaid by a premature death, which sounds pretty much par for the course for us mortals.
Eds: Thanks Joseph of Arimathea…
Joe: Wrong one, I’m not just any old Joe. Haven’t you listened to anything we’ve said?