Beautifully unnameable

There’s an irony of category

as a garden, well tended at arms length

for a few lucky years

is  laid to waste, resting

in apparent emotional disarray;

it quietly explains

the mathematics of contingency

and happy accident,

leaving one foolish heart

to listen to its own

idiotic

breathing.

 

The time has come to put earnest performances back under canvas;

a time to teach my mind to unsee, my eyes to allow you to go,

unnoticed

but the posters, curling in the wind and rain will still recognise

the authentic beauty of your necessary indifference,

and, despite a plethora of undercurrents, your absence won’t hurt at all.

My handful of words must reach only to judge the breeze’s new direction

and mouth silently your warmth without making a fist

– even Prospero, as skilled in magic arts as he was, wouldn’t hinder Miranda’s folly.

My Meursault must, once more, shoot my child and be alone with absurd sadness,

fully aware that there’s no narrator’s, no author’s presence in this unwise fiction.

 

I’ll continue to slingshot a look, steal a glance, for old times’ sake

and at least know where you are, know your new spacial coordinates

and gather random moments so  I can think I might feel.

though even the most inviolable amour will press on the involuntary,

the immediately engorged heart, beating bigger when you look

as if you recognise me.

 

There’s no embarrassment  in loving you

only shame in not fully acknowledging

– those soul crushing moments of forgetting the real –

your ease of expression that doesn’t always know its own power.

I am, despite myself, compelled to see you

even when I’m not looking.

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