Humanly Sports Pages – Issue 17

BASEBALL

Chad Wally has defected to Albania. The left-fielder was known for his liberal tendencies; last game he made two catching errors and threw out his own pitcher on a fielder’s choice in the loss to the New York Yankees.

The club’s owner Wen Allissaidanddun, expressed his chagrin at developments, “We always thought he was dubious when he hit a line drive for a 3 RBI infield home run, he celebrated by clenching his fist and undoing his waistcoat to reveal a tee-shirt that said, ‘Free Kosovans, cheap at half the price’.”

The club is looking into creating a visa system for players and fans entering left field, with increased security.

Wally’s friend and Short Stop, Joe Littledideknow 111 jnr said, “I’d heard Chad singing to himself in warm up and rather than singing ‘The Star-Spangled Banner, he sang, ‘Take Me Out Of This Ball Park’.”

The club is currently 8.5 games back from an American League East Wild card spot behind Boston Red Sox, who, along with Cincinnati Reds, are under investigation by The GW Bush Memorial Committee for Pinch Hitting. Both franchises do have a predominance of Lefties on their rosters.

 ONLY A DREAM

The result of the Inaugural Nationwide Fantasy Sports League, sponsored by extremely big advertising, was released on the F-Luent Show last week: Everyone won!  A spokesman said, “Well, it’s always been our dream.”

 OLYMPICS, DISCUS

Organisers of the preliminary rounds of the 2012 Olympics Discus competition, held at Crystal Gayle, South Uist, were left surprised and bemused yesterday when the event reached its scheduled start time.  As the whistle blew for the first thrower to step into the circle, every one of the 12 competitors seated themselves at the judges table and began to debate the relative merits of preliminary rounds in the 2012 Olympics.

One of the organisers said later, “We believe the misunderstanding was due to a typographical error on the entry form.”

The event was won by Evelyn Hall who, in a fit of rage at losing an argument, wandered into the circle accidentally and flung his refreshment plate a creditable fifty metres.

 WRESTING WITH A DILEMMA

The Welsh National All-in Wrestling Championships, due to get under way in Pantylina yesterday, were called off just hours before the first bout was to take place.  This is the fourth year in succession that the Championships have been shelved.  The event Chairperson, who did not want to be named, explained, “The cancellation was unavoidable, I’m afraid.  All the competitors are suffering from exhaustion.  Next year, I think we’ll try Greco-Roman instead!”

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