Those Daft Soap Suds – Issue A5

Ere’ Vi, did you ‘ear the latest?”

“Naw, I don’t ‘ear anyfink now those dogs ave moved in next door. Yapping all night they do.”

“Well, Dee Oderant ‘as made himself pregnant.”

Allus did love ‘imself too much, he did.”

“He’s thinking of getting an abortion though, cos even another one of ‘imself would still be too much rivalry for ‘is affections.”

“That’s why ‘e didn’t take the chance to clone ‘imself last year.”

“Logical, innit.”

“Yeah.”

MEANWHILE BACK AT THE VITREOUS ENAMEL.

“How are the plans coming along, Loo?”

(Loo Blue is a friend of the chemical Brothers and an international terrorist for democracy in her spare time. She’s got a lot of spare time as no-one has actually seen her work in The Oval.)

“Excellent.” Loo said as she stroked her cat, Brush.

“This coup will be so cost effective, the indigenous population will be paying higher taxes for the next generation. The only thing holding it up are the hotel and villa purchases for the deposed leaders.”

“What’s the problem?”

“Mainly that it’s getting more and more difficult to find really affluent places for these despots to hang out. The slums are growing so fast in the South Americas, and in Europe even, some cities are falling into such disrepair, there are fewer and fewer mansion complexes to go round.”

“Try creating another groundswell of popular unrest, like you did in the Middle East.”

“Won’t work in Europe anymore. They’re so cowed and dumbed down, it’s impossible to drag them away from their computer games.”

Dom Mestos, suddenly shouted, “Oh, Ciffing Hell, We’ve got no bread for the sandwiches for our picnic tomorrow, and it’s two o’clock in the morning, not even the corner shop is open now.”

“Don’t panic, we’ve got enough military equipment here to wipe this Oval off the face of this earth, shops being closed is the least of my worries.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, for starters, you can go next door-but one and borrow some bread from Vim, she’ll be obliging, and if you hadn’t noticed is still entertaining.

And then there’s the problem of me being a Vegan. Even Vim draws the line at buying gluten free cuisine. I suppose I’ll just have to have berries and water again.”

“What about me, I only eat skink, and even that has to be newly killed – no frozen, pre-packed stuff for me. P’raps we’ll fast?”

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