The Universal Medical Association has released a comprehensive list of the most dangerous corporate diseases in the world. Among the top 10 we find the disease Santanderitis, or to give it its full medical classification gullibilus numbnutiae.

Thankfully Santanderitis is rare but precautions need to be taken as the disease can be spiritually deadly. If you suspect that a colleague has the disease you are advised to stay clear and not get roped into discussions about work until treatment is well under way. If caught in its early stages there is hope for a full recovery, but if allowed to grow, especially over a long period of time, Santanderitis will become you.

Early signs of the disease are a reluctance of the effected to move away from their desks during the rare break periods. A general hanging around for a few minutes after the home time bell has gone is another sign. In its infancy the disease may cause the afflicted to occasionally talk about work during their own time. Some poor deluded wretches may take to eating at their desks while working through part of their break. However, these are early stages of the illness and may be treated relatively easily with kindly words of advice. If you notice a colleague in these relatively harmless early stages a good idea would be to talk to them about life and enjoyment. Santaderitis sufferers are rarely aggressive if they only have this mild form of the ailment and should be open to common sense.

More serious cases of Santanderitis are less easily treated and carers are advised not to spend too much time in the company of those with the more rampant form. Symptoms of this stage are arriving before the conveyor belt starts, working throughout the entire break and having to be coaxed away from the desk long after home time has arrived. This mid-stage Santanderitis also manifests itself in endless talking shop while out with friends.

In its final and sadly untreatable form Santanderitis has the sufferer telling everyone how much they like their job and frequent references to high productivity and powers of one. One patient, known only as ‘Cost Unit A’ became so badly effected that his skin developed company logos.

Other unpleasant corporate diseases listed by the UMA are Halifaxitis, Barclaycarditis and Churchillitis, the latter of which is particularly nasty and in its final stages has the poor patient nodding uncontrollably and agreeing to almost everything.

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