Report by Little Jim Ladd (our countrywide reporter of the nation’s underbelly)
We take a visit to Mr Ham, who has been conducting a purely platonic relationship with what was, initially when purchased, a doll for sexual gratification. We asked, just how does he do it?
Well, Mr Ham says that she, he calls her thirty-eight – his favourite number -, shares his interests and is very amenable. His main interest is fishing and 38 sits by him with a rod strategically placed for the struggle of catching a fish. Mr Ham joked that he always had to give her a hand hauling in the catch as she sometimes loses the rod.
“She uses good bait, gets loads of bites but is hopeless at the pulling and pushing required; she can’t catch anything.” Mr Ham quipped.
The couple spend their evenings reading together.
“She’s a slow reader but I help her by turning the pages, and I love the look of open-mouthed wonder on her face at every new page. It’s lovely to watch.” Mr Hamm added.
But what of conversation?
Mr Ham has installed the home edition of Sat. Nav. in 38 and she can respond to any prompting with a vast array of narratives.
“She knows her way around the house really well and from day one she knew exactly how many stairs and which turning for the toilet. It was amazing.”
What of sex?
Mr Ham replied, “What of it?” It constitutes so little time in a relationship – unless of course it’s tantric -, it is the rest of the time that’s more important. And besides, what do you take me for?”
At that we said our goodbyes to one – hopefully – extraordinary fellow. We were going to bring up the issue of food but we thought ‘who are we to destroy such a perfect delusion’.