Those Daft Soap Suds – Issue 10

Aw, bleedin’ ‘ell, who’d think that after all this time. What do you think you are doing here?
Looking for action? A likely story. Well, you know what I think…
I should, I am after all your doppelganger.

‘Ow did yer find me?’
‘I asked a copper pipe.’
‘You know how they do it in prison. I tapped in my question, they tapped out the answer.’
Well the best thing is we’ll be able to work and claim benefit ‘cause I’ll be able to be in two places at once. As well it means I can cheat on whoever without any come back.
“Not so fast. What d’ya take me for? I might be an exact physical replica but I’m nothing like you inside.”
“Well you’re out now, so that don’t count.”
“It’s that kind of stupidity I spent avoiding by taking courses in the nick so I could change on the inside… Of me not the nick, so I would be different from you.”
“Yeah, you can’t a done very well if you’re here now, though.”
“That’s not what I’m here for. Actually I’m here to make sure you don’t disgrace me. I’ve watched you on the television, and I hate what you are. If you’re going to stay looking like me you’d better change, or else I’ll arrange a makeover that’ll mean we look nothing like each other.”
“Are you threatening me?”
“No, I’m promising you a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a better person or you’ll have to be a different person. I’m not letting you jeopardise my existence with your nihilistic cretinism.”
“So, what’s it gonna be? Spirit lift or face lift, it’s your choice.”

Back in the Vitreous Enamel, there was a hissing noise that resembled the usual chatter in the place but, in this instance it was something more like gas. Just at that moment Lemonhead was singing appallingly in the Karaoke competition and one of the audience piped up:
“It’s lucky this is a no smoking pub otherwise that kind of tosh wouldn’t be allowed in here.”
However, someone entered the place with such an abrasive character that sparks were bound to fly..

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