Report by Little Jim Ladd (our countrywide reporter of the nation’s underbelly)
A man in deepest Sussex, a performance artist informally know as Burp, has made a startling discovery. Being an amateur astronomer, Burp, formally known as Mr Bonus Prints, was playing with his computer software of the heavens when he unearthed a missive that could have SETI converging on his setee. Burp was monitoring activity in the Rigel Four sector of the known galaxy but was taken aback at the sequence of data that spewed from his screen. Collecting himself and the data simultaneously, Burp set about the task of deciphering the cosmic gobbledegook. He went without sleep, baths and consequently friends, for three whole weeks before he came up with his startling news of extra-terrestrial communication.
Yet to be confirmed by anyone generally classed as sane, Burp’s findings had the narrative thus: “If Buzz Aldrin wants to spit into the void, could he do it twelve degrees further towards Venus, as then it would hit our rivals on Kippax thirteen. If he, or any other human hawks up his bodily spume again in space, we will suspend our dove-like nature and give you all a hard time.”
The message and our interest faded at this time and we just avoided being regaled by Burp as to his belief that his Wii is telling him to exercise his brain more, especially on Mondays.