The Shit And The Sugar – Issue 9

I remember when, as a boy of four, my parents, displaying the necessary hard love, paid me way below the odds for my pocket money. Other kids laughed at me because they got more for less but I knew what was going on even then. I had business acumen long before I could (nay can) spell it. I was taught and learned early, the real value of money. While the other kids spent their money on frivolous doodads, I saved. While they got easter eggs I built a nest egg. When they had no more, it was me they came to for help in getting more doodads; and I gave them it at interest. I was on me way. I even wrote one of me best pieces of work at school, rewriting the famous cliche of Dale Carnegie’s: How to influence friends and win over people.

There was no stopping me. I failed all my exams because I was burning the midnight oil, keeping books and thinking of strategies to part a fool and his money. I even built me own shed – I employed three of the local kids at a knockdown rate – where I lived and sublet to the local kids that thought they were running away from home. I got ‘em to pay up front and when their parents were given an anonymous tip off as to their whereabouts, I showed ‘em the contract that said no refunds in the event of being taken home by their parents. It was goldmine, for me. As I said, even at that age, one man’s money-pit is another’s goldmine. I even got the tender for the shed to come under budget, beating the more academic kids who tended to charge way over the odds for labour. Something about the Marx brothers they couldn’t shake off. Though it were me who was laughing all the way to the bank.

This early schooling in the art of commerce set me up nicely for when I started up me own company, Hamstrung. I started it up from nothing and sold it on to the Venerable Bede for a whacking great profit. It’s a deal like that that spurs me on. Gets me hard if you like. I didn’t wait for summat to ‘appen, and I didn’t need anyone else either. That bad business about the Revenue Service querying why I claimed for twelve-hundred salaries whilst claiming to be a self-made man was a difficult time but, as I said, selling the company just in time meant I got round it.

The government even gave me a knighthood for my services to unemployment just after I laid the workforce off. It was great timing as they wanted to flood the labour market so as to suppress the price of labour. It was a win, win situation. Even the workforce came to no harm as they were retrained or went to University at 3,000- quid a head, to study economics and psychology, so I did ‘em a favour by sacking ‘em when I did.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *