Sports Pages – Issue 9

The latest update from the Corporate Fantasy Football Leagues.
Executive Premier Ultra Division

football grid

Will Full is teetering on the brink of Job Seekers, not having found the formula for efficiency and condescension to satisfy the edicts of the ruling bodies.

In the feeder league, Proletarian Processing Division One, Arthur Full – Will’s brother – is poised to replace his sibling in the top division as he is eighteen thousand points ahead of his nearest rival, Herbert Spotty.
Spotty had a patchy week recently, being disciplined for his outbreak of acne and severe wind that had no previous history. The disciplinary points undid all his unpaid overtime and starving himself by taking a minute-long lunch. The clergyman, Father Fromthetruth, he of the CV, also suffered a setback when he wanted time off to worship god, but as the company didn’t recognise the deity his absence was deemed AWOL.
Ivan The Terrible, bottom of all the league tables, would have been facing pensioning-off if that facility hadn’t been recently discontinued.

BOXING:
In the coming weeks, that great boxer, Adam Sandals, will try to regain his title after being surprisingly knocked out in his last bout.
Just when he was making his point on his opponents case, he left himself open to the hyperbolic retort that completely flummoxed our hero. Rather than being able to defend himself with his usual aplomb, and his casual mixture of sociology and psychology, Sandals was left defenceless by the barrage of psuedo- intellectual rhetoric that was full of sound and fury and signified nothing, yet it still served to render our hero so vulnerable to a follow-up narrative, that the referee stepped in to declare the engagement over by a technical knockout.

FOOTBALL:
In an unusual move today, Gleadthorpe Aquatics lobbied the league with a petition to refuse to play PLC United on sunny days. Their manager, Fu Manchurian said: “It is impossible to expect a good and damp match with United when the world-renowned whistler Reynard shows an uncontrollable urge to dive when a shadow is cast on his frame. Even when the cloud-cover is light and a semblance of shadow is cast, he still throws himself about like a sheep with an inner-ear problem. I, for one, have become incredulous towards such behaviour.”
The league will meet with United and Reynard at midnight next week, just in case the members of the committee cast a shadow on the superstar and cause him to leap under the table.

UNDERWATER DRAUGHTS:
In the latest competition, played in the shallow-end of the Olympic-sized pool in Sheffield, Lol Sideways was heavily defeated by his arch rival, Trevor Forever. Sideways was on the run from the outset as Forever intimidated him with his ploy of setting a floater loose that loomed over his opponent like a bad future. Sideways has never been good with mind games, especially after his traumatic experience at Chess when he was a mere adolescent; he usually depends on his ability to hold his breath to outlast his foes. The plucky fellow from Outer Spalding has vowed to return to the pool and even challenged Forever to a rematch. He has insisted on less chlorine in the water and wants a less saline solution to allow him to see his future draught moves better.

WORLD APPLE-BOBBING CHAMPIONSHIPS
from Wisconsin:
Hamm Fisted Jr triumphed in the last qualifying round after being given a scare by the Austrian Ron von Crapp. Fisted Jr had to take a deep breath and call on all his dunking experience to overcome the tenacious Austrian who had been brought up on apple strudel as a boy.
“I just held my breath and bobbed like my life depended on it.” the victor said after coming up with an apple pie and custard to confound the crowd of seven.

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