News Real – Issue 9

NEWS FLASH:
Last week a cat got in to a flap when it couldn’t get in through a cat flap at its home in Dizzyingly Puerile. However, the cats fretful antics were not wasted as the family had captured it on their mobile handset and sent it in to the TV. In fact it was revealed that they had deliberately drawn the cat flap on the door to fox the moggie.
The cat is currently licking its wounds after thrashing its head against the door for all of five minutes of hilarious suffering.

FINANCE:
Spokeswoman for the banking giant, Lemming Brothers said today: “Going forward we can all be in it together. At times like these we can pull together, and not push after all, going forward, we’ll all get there. Going forward is what we do best. No need for short term goals, we are ever focused on going forward and, with ever greater effort and restraint there’s no reason we can’t continue going forward. It’s no great leap of faith to realise that going forward is the only solution to this crisis of stagnation. Only by going forward can we realise our assets, and, after a short period of downward movement we’ll achieve our purpose of going forward.”
Last week at Tattered-trousered market, a comedian, fallen on hard times, was arrested for not complying with the rules of selling. He was attempting to sell baskets of oneliners and comic asides that contravened the legal laughter limit for a stall. Also he was charged with selling punnets without portfolio and asking pounds, shillings and pence in payment. When pressed on this by the magistrate he said: “Have we been formally introduced?” then added, “Besides I couldn’t hear the public address as the decimals had made me deaf.” The case continues.

LATEST NEWS:
Apparently, Amun Ra is dead.

NEWS FLUSH:
The market was reeling today as the price of a barrel of laughs was depressed deliberately by an unknown financial expert in Somerset. The Chuckle Brothers were particularly perturbed as they rely heavily on laughs for their livelihood. However, TV media and programmers were unaffected as their cans were bought before the crisis.

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