Christmas is a time for families to be reunited, a time for spending precious moments with friends, a time for giving and receiving with an open heart and a jovial manner. Despite this, though, it can still be enjoyed.
In this seemingly endless run-up to the big day, it’s important to over-egg the clichés and use as many hyphened words as you can half-arsedly manage. So, throttle-back, take time-out and spend some quality me-time with just us. Giving can hurt and we at your favourite, firm-jawed, not-too-regular-but indispensible magazine want to soothe your aching parts. Look upon The Inconsequential, if you will, as a squirt of mental Savlon to cool and relieve the burning itch of frustration caused by the lack of stimulation and general vacuity that is modern life*.
Before we allow you to steam headlong into our latest offering, we should, perhaps, explain yet again, our perceived tardiness. We realise that you have come to rely on our humble effusion to lift your workaday blues and, indeed, we do take on that onerous responsibility willingly. However, for precisely that reason, we believe you deserve the best and so, while we’re waiting for that to come along, we’ve been working hard to produce an issue that betters our previous high standards. We’re sure you’ll agree.
And so to the opposite of business. This year’s special bumper Christmas edition has a slightly different slant – there’s hardly a mention of Christmas at all! However, we’ve endeavoured to sprinkle enough Yuletide cheer to keep even Tiny Tim happy, if he could be bothered to hop over to the kitchen table and pick up a copy, while not forgetting that Scrooge was also entitled to his opinion. Our much-missed favourites return: Sharkey continues his battle to communicate; Those Daft Soap Suds attempt to obfuscate; the Ethics Girls elucidate; while Poo Corner’s role is, perhaps, best left to the imagination. As is my wont, I’d like to steer you in the direction of one or two fresh cream éclairs on this festive sweet trolley you see before you. As well as the life-enhancing culmination of our Martian tale, we have another offering from our guest contributor, furthering the mind-melting tedium endured by the Chairman in Hades. And some famous songs get a make-over for these modern times – biting satire with a dollop of humour to soften the edge.
So, go on, get your sledge out and career fecklessly into the welcoming snowdrift that is The Inconsequential. ‘Yule’ love it! Ho, ho, ho (sorry, I couldn’t help it.) *Can also be used for minor cuts and grazes. Not to be taken internally – digested, yes; ingested, no. Keep away from children – that’s general advice, nothing to do with The Inconsequential.