Sports Pages (Issue 5)

goalie xmas pudding Issue 5The end of the great Cardiff Xmas pudding mystery. Eifffffffffffyon Jones, the Caersws goalie holds the missing pud. They’d been playing with it for weeks. Mr. Jones found it in the back of his net after twelve weeks, as he hadn’t conceded a goal in that time.
“And I thought it was only our pitch that was a pudding.” Mr Jones quipped.

With their cameras at the ready, the contestants flex their thumbs – some their index finger – in preparation for release. A barrage of discs make a monochrome rainbow across the grey, Northamptonshire weekday sky. Shots rain upwards, and for about four minutes there’s a frenzy of photographic fervour.

The winner was Miss Georgina Bailey, whose shot of the clay pigeon number 111, maintained its integrity at a magnification of 12x. She is the first woman to win this title at her first attempt at this inaugural event, sponsored by her father, RHon Bill.

Master Christophe Pluperfect was inconsolable and embarrassed as he caught not even one clay blur. He did however, get a prize for snapping – accidentally – an incidence of billing and cooing amongst the branches of a nearby tree. The names of the two participants caught in his picture have been kept secret for legal reasons.

Albertini, the cunning card player of Bologna was taken from the arena with a complex broken index finger, last night in Bern. Albertini was leading the World Championship of Snap, when his luck ran out after thrashing Miss  SoandSo down in anticipation of winning another hand. The table being unforgiving beech, Albertini was made to pay for his over enthusiasm as a sickening crack rent the hushed auditorium, and registered the compound break in proceedings.

The TV audience were treated to a close-up of the immediate swelling, which filled the screen like a fresh bread roll, and the boom microphone shot into the air with the power of Albertini’s scream. After looking disappointed, Von Crumpet, Albertini’s opponent, went on to win the tournament with the laying of exactly the same card, that broke Albertini’s finger, to clinch the final against the anal retentive Swede, Stig Olafatanything.

Von Crumpet tried to visit Albertini in the special, opulent DigiClinic hospital, but Albertini was still sulking too much to take visitors.


from The Borders (Bordering on the insane)

Walliam Willis broke the games record after he threw a monumental wobbly that could be heard and seen as far as Aberdeen.
Wallis, only ten years old, was upset when his mother took away his Xbox and threw it in the local river. Moira, Walliam’s mother won a creditable third place for her impromptu performance.
Amidst objections of collusion, mother and son collected a gold and bronze haggis from the Laird. However, just after the presentation, Moira Willis was arrested for pollution and bruising a salmon.
The crowd stole second place after a recount when their own anger at the result spilled over into a collective tantrum that scared all the sheep and  cattle from the adjoining field.
Volker Schlondorff, of the MacCrapp clan, got special mention for his brain shattering whining but was denied official status as he is only two months old. This year’s event was special as the organisers were using the latest measuring ‘equipment’. This equipment was a certain Tad MacTimid. His sensitivity was particularly useful in separating the closely contested top three places. The tears he shed into the receptacle on each occasion had to be measured in nanolitres, so his ability to fret in the face of angry tirades from the sixteen contestants without sweating, was absolutely invaluable.
The organisers will pay for MacTimid’s psychotherapy as a special thank you to the plucky twenty-five years old Psychology student from Fife.

The Lost Vest tournament was interrupted for a few minutes after Chad Valley was found to be dead at the table. The fact that it took the other contestants, the TV media and the live audience forty minutes to even consider something was wrong with the previously living legend, Valley, was attributable to Valley’s ability to concentrate and keep his cool.

H e always looked dead, it was his way of psyching his opponents, so when he went into this state it was nothing unusual. It was only when he slumped forward and banged his head on a straight flush, that we thought something was wrong.

The members of the audience that were slumped forward were only asleep as this tournament was, until this incident, a particularly tedious one.

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