Sports Pages (Issue 2)

The reader of our first issue may recall our report on the new World Pole-Sitting record that was achieved by Mr Peter Throb at the expense of his close friend, Mr Simon Staines, the previous title holder. It seems that Mr Staines has been involved in an even less exciting, but marginally more newsworthy incident since our article appeared.

Reports state that Mr Staines was awoken last Friday at two in the morning by muffled groans emanating from his living-room. On investigation, Mr Staines discovered a wouldbe burglar lying semi-conscious on the floor still holding the trophy awarded to Simon for attaining the previous pole-sitting record – a six foot solid stainless steel replica of the pole used in the feat complete with detachable chair. It appears that the chair had toppled from its mounting as the intruder, who was only four feet eight inches tall, had picked it up. It struck him a glancing blow on the temple rendering him senseless and making it easy for Mr Staines to subdue him. This he did by sitting on his chest until the police arrived to arrest him.

It was only later that Simon discovered, by a remarkable co-incidence, that the villain he’d been sitting on was, in fact, Polish. We tried to contact Mr Throb for his reaction to the news, but he was unavailable for comment. His wife, Thelma, told us that he was now scouring the area looking for a four feet ten inch East European.

It’s funny how what we see in ads is never the actual, bald, real-world truth. Footballers are now marketed as well as cars: the latest model(s) is(are) the best, the sleekest, the most skilled geniuses on the planet, well, when they take these ‘skills’ onto the green, green grass of Koln, what we see are sputtering, sluggish, and mostly mediocre specimens of millionaires: if only the ball was a wellknown crisp canister and the pitch a car park or a hovel midden-patch in darkest Brazil! That canister swirls magically from genius to genius, and is deposited to the nearest millimetre of its target; meanwhile on a real-world stretch of grass, the ball is sent to all parts of the sky and a five-metre pass becomes albut impossible for the same wonderful foot that has a crisp canister on a boolean string.

Whether or not in an advertising studio or a stage in some backwater urban squalor, Charlie Caroli routines are commonplace, on a pitch marked out for the purpose, these geniuses become very unfunny clowns whose boots seem oversized as they buffet the ball about aimlessly and inaccurately. Also their propensity for falling down in ever increasingly farcical ways adds to the irony of their inadvertent entertainment potential. There is a darker irony in this issue as the level of advertising of the genius of these millionaires should logically raise the watching public’s expectations of what should be displayed, yet to accept, as they seem to do, what is actually perpetrated on the real fields of dreams, fans and general watchers must have a greater suspension of disbelief than most dyed-in-the-wool theatre goers.

To accept that a touted genius cannot on most occasions propel the ball anywhere near an intended target, is an act of blind faith, and evidence of the triumph of marketing. As one famous advert has been spewing out recently, “(Football) the power of dreams.” Indeed! Yer ‘avin’ a larf?

An unnamed footballer was taken to outpatients in Manchester today, after being taken ill with an attack of the cliches. “At the end of the day he’ll be 110%.” a doctor said. (It’s contagious).

In the World Indoor Rowing Championships in Llanelli today, the Men’s Single-Handed Umiak event ended in farce when not one of the eight competitors finished the race. All participants crossed the start line, five times in three notable instances, but none could pass the winning post. The race was called off when it became clear the credibility of the sport’s organisers, the Indoor Rowing Association, was becoming seriously jeopardised.  This incident comes just two days after the Men’s Coxless Fours was cancelled due to extremely bad taste. A huge question mark, not to mention at least two smaller exclamation marks, must now hang over the future of the Championships. Mr Angus McCoatup, the Association’s Director said last night: “Holding a rowing event indoors was an ambitious, some might say, audacious, project. Perhaps we could have learned from the mistakes made by the Indoor Sailing Club when all but one of their events were cancelled due to the exceptionally calm conditions.”

In interview recently, Doug Pork-Scratchings, nicknamed acorn-balls due to his low, autumnal gonads, was questioned about the case of his missing left boots. “So someone robbed all your left boots. Why do you think they did it?” “Dunno.” Didn’t you read the ransom type note pinned to your shorts? “Naw, the boss read it to me in the dressingroom, but I weren’t listening.” “Well it said the burglar had stolen things the team didn’t use and given them to the local Boys’ team as they are short of stuff. A regular Robin Hood, eh Doug?” “Dunno, I dint know he were wearing one.” “What’ll you do now that you’ve no left boots?” “The boss said to use the golden boot I won last year.”

In the match with Automobiles plc United, Doug burst two balls and fractured an opponent’s leg. When questioned about these unusual occurrences- using his left foot three times in a match – Doug was quoted saying, “I wus curious.”

The second test match was mutually called off after only two days, when both captains agreed that their players were just too tired to go a full five days after playing four days of the first test last month. The TCP has announced the introduction of a new 20-20 tournament where players from each side will be asked to identify licence-plates to see which side has the best eyesight in all conditions. The side finishing last will get a free eye test.

Latest from The Existential Dominoes tourney in Ulan Bator R D Haha has laid his fourth consecutive doubleblank. The serenity of the man is boundless. Last year’s tournament held in Toulouse, France was criticised by all but one man, as it was said no one likes Toulouse. Jimmy Last was the only one that said anything complimentary as he was once quoted as saying: “Losing is only a word to describe the absence of winning.”

Stewie McKnight, the famous horse-whisperer was today being held by the constabularies after it was alleged that he was telling horses at the DMZ Handicap at Peterborough to throw races.

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