Mavis: More tea, Lil?
Lil: Don’t mind if I do, Mave.
Mavis: Help yourself to cake. You too, Gladys, Sheila.
Lil: I won’t have any more if you don’t mind. I prefer making them to eating them. Besides, I’m watching my figure!
Gladys: Ah! Speaking of fatties…
Lil: Oh! Thanks, Gladys!
Gladys: Sorry, Lil. No offence! I was just going to say, I was speaking to Mrs Cresspot the other day. Her blimp of a husband, Don, has been up to his old tricks, apparently.
Mavis: Not again! Who’s the unfortunate, misguided soul this time?
Gladys: His secretary, I believe.
Mavis: Oh, that’s old news! He’s been seeing her for two years or more to my knowledge.
Gladys: No, not that ginger woman. He’s moved on to a younger model now. Just started not so long ago. Early twenties, wavy, golden hair and long, brown legs. Or was it the other way round?
Sheila: Very funny, Gladys. You can make a joke of it, but what about his poor wife? She has to accompany him to all those Council functions, putting on a sweet smile, all the time knowing what he’ll be up to as soon as she’s packed off home.
Mavis: The man’s a walking cliche. Two Honda Civics to ferry him around and he thinks he’s God’s gift. He’s only Manager of the Sports & Recreation De partment for Heaven’s sake.Very fitting, I must say!
Sheila: Not only that. He also sits on the Social Services Family Advisory Panel sitting in judgement on dysfunctional one-parent families and dispensing advice on how to maintain high moral standards!
Lil: You can’t lay all the blame onto him, though, girls. It takes two to have an affair. What about the women involved? They know he’s married and he is dishy in a potato-faced sort of a way.
Sheila: Now YOU’RE having a laugh, aren’t you? The girls are young and easily swayed by his simple northern charm and bluff political rhetoric. Besides, they’re only interested in the glamour of it all. No doubt he swears that they’re the only one for him and grunts that his wife doesn’t understand him.
Gladys: Now that’s probably true – she’s Belgian!
Sheila: Oh, you’re on form tonight, Glad! I’ll tell you this, girls. If my daughter got involved with such a hypocritical, two-timing no-neck, I’d be straight down to Social Services myself to have her adopted…
Mavis: She’s nearly 24!
Sheila: I don’t care! Then I’d be writing a stiff letter to whoever it is has the power to remove him from office and insist that they do so immediately!
Lil: Perhaps you could seek advice from the Family Avis. Whafy. Faneff.
Mavis: Have another cake, Lil. I insist!
Gladys: There’s the door. I’ll get it… Well, well! Speak of the Devil. Hi, Kylie. Your mam’s in the front room.
Sheila: Hello, love. I haven’t seen you for a while. How’s the new flat? And what have you done to your hair!!
Kylie: Yeah, the flat’s fine and as for the hair, well, blondes have more fun, so they say and believe me, it’s right! Got myself a new job and a new fella! I would’ve been to see you before now, but I’ve been a bit busy, if you know what I mean.
Lil: Oh, we can just about remember what it’s like. Hang on! This new bloke. Doesn’t ride around in a Honda Civic and has a problem wearing ties, does he?
Kylie: Pardon? I…I’m sorry, Lil, I don’t know what you mean.
Lil: Of course not, love. Sheila, did you want the number for Social Services, dear?
Sheila: Highly amusing, Lil! Kylie! What on Earth do you think you’re doing? That man’s twice your age and married!
Kylie: What are you on about, mam? I don’t know what Lil’s been putting in her cakes this time, but she’s had one too many of them! Jamie’s 25 and drives an Audi. He’s a mechanic at that new garage in the High Street where I work. I just started as a receptionist last month.
Kylie: Yes, “Oh!” In fact, Lil, it was you I came to see. That daughter of yours has stood me up. We were supposed to be going to the gym tonight, but her fella’s found time in his busy schedule to fit her in, so she’s off to meet him. She asked me to tell you that she’ll be late in. Come to think of it, HE drives a Honda and looks ancient! Always wears open neck shirts, too!
Lil: I don’t believe it! You’re having me on!
Kylie: Go down and see for yourself. She’ll be waiting there now. Just outside the Town Hall!
Sheila: I’ll get your coat then, Lil. Oh! That telephone number. You’d better hang on to it, just in case. You never know, you may just need it!
Mavis: I’ll make a fresh pot then, girls. Elephant’s foot, anyone?
Mavis: More tea, Lil?